DropBears - The threat is real(ly) frightening

It is being reported that Drop-Bears are now migrating via floating bamboo limbs from Australia via the trade winds to the Bering Straight where they are subsequently migrating, as did our former ancestors, south-eastward into the United States.  A recent warning poster was issued by the Australian Dangerous Fauna Administration:

The best way to avoid a drop-bear is to act as if you were Raul in Phantom of the Opera and 'keep your hand at the level of your eyes', especially when traversing in known drop-bear locations; such as: Paris underground passages and sewers beneath opera houses, subway tunnels, zoos, Central Park in New York City, wildlife reserves, and any plant shop or gardening center that sells Eucalyptus.

Recently, Harvey Raconteur, a native Southern-Iowan experienced a harrowing escape that left him with post-traumatic stress disorder and rendered him completely flaccid.  His recounting of events is as such:

"I had that upper-respiratory crap that everyone calls the flu these days, but back in my youth, they just called it a cold or the snivels.  I went out an' bought me some of that Vicks VapoRub, but it wasn't strong enough to break up my sinuses, and boy was they ever clogged.  Even my normal farmer's blow wouldn't clear 'em out, and neither was that Mentholatum. So, I got on eHow.com and found out that I could make my own all-natural version using non-petroleum based jelly.  I thought, hey, I like nature and them oil Arabs are already getting too much of my money every time I fill up my Caddy.  I knew not to use camphor, 'cause that stuff can kill ya if ya use too much.  So I went out and I picked out a Ball canning jar and added about 2 tablespoons of that there jelly I'd bought down at the Farmer's Market.  All organic, ya know?  I put in about 12 drops of peppermint oil and then I went to the greenhouse - Lucille's I think - and got me a Eucalyptus tree.  I ground up the leaves in a blender I usually save for my cocktails or makin' my famous venison protein shakes, and then poured the powder into the rest of the mix.  What happened next was such a shock to my system, that I pert near had a stroke, and I know I peed myself."

Harvey Raconteur after his near-death experience with a drop-bear who attacked him outside his barn while he was wearing home-made sinus-clearing medication.

 The Department of Un-Natural Resources recently sent out a public notice:

There are NO dropbears in Iowa, just like there are no Mountain Lions.  We didn't release them.  If you see a Mountain Lion or Puma, it's a pet that someone has let loose.  Again, there are no dropbears or Mountain Lions.  The public is safe.

As if to prove that the DNUR has no clue exactly which predators are in the state, a local man not only saw but shot a mountain lion which was perched in a tree, ready to pounce on him.

Raymond Goebel Junior of Cedar Rapids shot the Cougar (Mountain Lion) near Marengo, Iowa
as confirmed by State furbearer biologist, Ron Andrews.

Recently Bard E. Fabler caught this eerie image of a drop bear near his house outside of Palm Springs, Florida.

Check out the claws on that thing!

Daem0hn, a blogger from Perth, Western Australia, wrote this entry:

"The LAST thing you will see...  Their existence is questioned by those unfamiliar with Australian animals, but I assure you that they are real, and they are thirsty for YOUR blood.  The drop-bear, as they are commonly known, is a strange genetic variant of the koala.  Some believe this 'next stage' in evolution was caused by patronizing tourists constantly touching and abusing the usually placid (and stoned) koala. The drop-bear is to be feared.  The only reason there are no [true numbers on] confirmed deaths is because, to put it nicely, your body will not be found."

Possibly the most frightening tale of late is the encounter of two women and a nephew at a rest-stop near Yellowstone National Park.  Emma Belish recalls the event:

"You really had to be there to understand the magnitude of our fright!  We had decided to stretch our legs and walk down a path from a spot just outside the rest area.  We'd been sipping lemon-aide and sitting under blue and green umbrellas on lounge chairs.  The day had been long, and we'd spent most of our time with our butts plastered to the plastic or vinyl seat of a tour trolley.  As we were headed down the path, Bo Ast, my nephew was by my side.  I was wearing a nice yellow top and white capris I'd purchased at The Gap.  My friend, Cari Cature, was ahead of us on the path.  I shrieked when I saw the two drop-bears descend from the tree-tops and fall onto the path, blocking Cari, Bo and I from each other.  Cari was able to snap a photo, and we were lucky to get away when the drop-bears crawled off into the underbrush."

Photo taken by Cari Cature as drop-bears cut off her path back to her friends.

 When asked if the drop-bears were female or male, Emma shrugged, "No idea, really.  And who cares?"

Stay tuned here for more information about drop-bear sightings and news.