It's the middle of February (well nearly the end, I guess), and I usually put out a newsletter about now to let all my rowdy friends know about all the home improvements we've been able to achieve. We're not shy, so if any of you feel like ya'll need to borrow our ideas, either use the guided instructions (meaning pictures) or drop us an email. If you haven't figured out how to use your IBM yet, you need to give up...
With all the snow we've had and the bitter cold this winter, I ran out of time to pour a nice set of concrete steps (complete with brick accents) to the front door. I figured recycling old materials would work until the ground thaws. Just watch that first step; it's a doozy.
And yes, the plant is pretty much dead there, but we're hoping that if house flies can die in the window between the screen and the storm window in the winter, then magically come back to life; so can our plant.
Anyways, on to the rest of our projects. A lot of you know that we don't have the best of luck with our cars. If it isn't deer running into them like they're painted with a big red bullseye, then it's likely some other critter wandering the parking lot at Wal-Mart trying to steal our parking space.
To remedy some of our situations, I had to put my thinking cap on. It didn't take me too long to figure out the solution; I just had to rummage around in the garage for the right parts. The first problem was that our door handle wouldn't work properly on the driver's side, and it definitely wouldn't lock. Those electric locks are always the first thing to go. So I just found an old piece of junk that would work, screwed it on, then used a couple pop-rivets, and we were back on the road again.
A word to the wise; if you don't have a few pieces of old gate handles laying around, you should probably go get some. They come in might handy when you have this sort of problem. Trust me, no one messes with our 1981 Toyota Carolla wagon anymore!
My neighbor, the locksmith, liked our idea so much that he asked if he could borrow my idea. I told him he could, but he wasn't sure that the gate lock I had left over would quite fit his work van. The two of us rummaged around in my garage looking for something else that might work. It took us a couple hours, but then I remembered that my bicycle has two flat tires, and out here in the country, there isn't some punk that's gonna steal it out of the bike rack like they did when I was in elementary school. I found what we needed and we hooked it up. I think it not only compliments his van, but makes quite a statement.
div>
I edited out his phone number for obvious privacy reasons. One, I don't want anyone on the internet to steal his identity. Two, I don't want anyone on the internet to call him and ask him where he got such a great idea for his van. Proprietary information, I say. We bulked up the lock with a little duct tape and I think it sure makes it look snazzy against the blue of his van!
Now, we aren't rich folks, so don't get the wrong idea about us. We like simple things, and we're too old and set in our ways to change. Like I said before, I am always willing to help out a friend in need and I usually have the perfect solution once I find the parts I need. We decided that come this Spring, we're gonna want to go camping, and since the biggest buck I've ever seen pretty much wiped out the front end of our Cadillac, I told the better-half that I could make us a camper.
With the tinted windows and nearly-new chrome wheel covers, this baby can easily be pulled by our other car (or neighbor's van). It sleeps two, which is what we need. It comes complete with one double bed, cup holders, an ashtray, a boomin' stereo, has air shocks for a smooth ride, and we can even open the front window if we want to let a little air in. We're looking forward to using it all summer long. We just tie the dog chain to the front and let our coon hound roam. The cat's aren't too fond of the camper yet, but we haven't had a chance to get them out in it yet. We're waiting for April.
(See our Toyota wagon in the back there? Ain't she great?). We were out one night and this high steppin' fella and his girl (she looked like a floozie to me) were outside El Margarita's complaining because his classy Corvette had an issue with it's headlights. They are them funny pop-up ones, and I told him that he should know better than to buy any American car with electric, because it's the first thing to go (even though our Toyota was made in Tennessee). While he was yelling at his girl to keep trying the knob inside the car, I reached into the hatch-back of the Toyota and pulled out my trusty, three-in-one ratchet screwdriver with multiple heads. This job took a flat head, and I think the guy was feeling a little gassy when he said 'thanks' cuz him and his woman took off in a hurry; but they had at least one headlight to get them home with.
Remember how I told you that we have a lot of trouble with cars? Well, our old car (before the Toyota and the Caddy) was a little Dodge jobby. It had been sitting out in the yard on blocks for months. Some punk kids came around and decided they were gonna break into my trunk cuz they knew that's where I keep my handy tools and my duct tape. I fixed them one, though. I took that trunk lid right off of there, and built me a nice coffin-strong trunk that no one will ever get into. Now, if I can only remember to take the key along when I take this baby in to Wal-Mart to get my shoppin' done!
I know ya'll heard me complainin' 'bout not being able to use the indoor plumbin' because the septic was all backed up and we hadn't found the right guy to bring out his monster truck with the magic sucking machine on the back of it to get 'er done. My better half had purchased some plastic lawn chairs at Wal-Mart that were made in China, and I never did like sitting in them. Well, I decided that we needed a solution for our toiletry needs. I took one of them Wal-Mart chairs and my Ginsu knife that I bought off of them late night infomercials and made us a right proper toilet chair; complete with a toilet paper holder. It is the finest in convenience, trust me. On breezy days (like the day I took this photograph), you just air dry and all is good and fresh again. You can even stop using that expensive two-ply with lotion in it. Saves us a lot of money.
Come this May, the better-half has to have a total knee replacement, and we weren't sure how we was gonna get our shopping done, or our camping. I took another one of them Wal-Mart chairs, pop-riveted on some old handle bars from a treadmill the cousins had given me for my birthday a few years ago. Oh, don't worry, I still have the treadmill part in the garage. I prop that thing up on blocks, hook one end to the back of the car and aim the other end at our front door. When I turn it up to seven, it's really easy to unload the groceries. Anyway, back to this here chair. I got the front wheels off of an old shopping buggy and the back wheels I modified from another bicycle. Now the better-half can get get around.
That was one problem solved. The other problem was what was gonna happen (now that we do have our indoor plumbing back) because everyone who's ever had a knee replacement knows it can be mighty difficult to get your butt down onto the toilet seat because your new plastic and steel knee that they drill and screw into your leg bones gets locked up unless you use a little WD-40. Don't think WD-40 is meant for people? Look it up on Google or Wiki-pedia smart ass!
Now our powder room is a bit small, but some idiot a mile or two from us threw out a perfectly good wooden chair. The legs were just the right height from the toilet bowl, and the arms were just right for me to use some duct tape and put the toilet seat on there. Now my better-half won't have to dip down so far to get a good firm place on the potty. I just threw the lid in the corner 'cause ya never know when you might need it. And the plunger is just in case the better-half gets stuck to the new toilet. Suction power is all the power you need when it comes to getting someone off of the toilet. Trust me. Ask those people in them airplanes how fast they get off those toilets when they flush. Ya don't want your bowels emptied twice!
Did I ever tell you about our nosy neighbors? They were complainin' and bitchin' because they thought we had too many cars in our yard. I went out one day and collected every inch of fencing I had and made us one of them privacy fences so they couldn't steal a peek over into our yard anymore. The great thing is that the new fence also serves as a reminder to folks that they need to recycle. Don't send perfectly good stuff to the dump; reuse it!
Notice the fine terracing I did on the yard as well. Now our house sits at the top of the hill so that I can look down on my neighbors, as it should be, and they can't say that I am not protecting the fine ecological balance of our drinking water by preventing top soil from our rather large garden from flooding into the river. In the summer-time those terraces are filled with nothin' but tomato plants. And they get great sunlight despite the fence.
This summer, the better-half and I are planning on doing a little recreation (and not just in the camper). I came across a bit of luck recently when I found an older van that someone was just given' away. I towed it home with a log chain, winched it up using a pulley and some of the chain we tie the dog out with, and hung it in a big oak tree out behind the house. Then I tore all the old stuff out of our boat.
I eased the van into the bottom of the boat, used some pop-rivets, duct tape and some silicone in a tube to make her water-tight. I put a 450 Evenrude on the back, and woo baby can she fly across the water. When we just float out there on the waves, we are gonna be in hog heaven laying on the deck on top. The best part; I have a Pioneer stereo in there with a sub-woofer and even my CB radio! There are handy compartments for our coolers, and if it rains we can fish out the sliding doors. It's nothin' fancy, but trust me...when them lake people see us comin' they are gonna be all slack-jawed and droolin' to have what we've got.
This here is a photo of our neighbor Lawrence with the camper I helped him build last year. He already had a boat, but he wanted a house boat/camper combination. We found the old girl at the bottom of a gully after some campers got washed away during the flooding of '08. We completely re-did the interior and gave her a nice paint job on the outside. Now Lawrence and Betty, his wife, can just anchor their camper out on the lake and tie off the boat. When they want to go fishin', they just get in the boat and leave the camper at anchor. They never worry about the weather conditions and with the four pontoons I welded and pop-riveted to the bottom of the camper, they won't go over even if there's a cyclone or big waves.
This here is a photo of the inside of their camper/boathouse while Lawrence and I were workin' on it. He said the missus always complains about having to share a toilet. Complain no more Betty! Now you have two and a privacy divider to boot. Fancy!
Down the hill from us there are two little kids; a boy and a girl. Their dad is never home and puts away about a keg of beer every night before he kicks the dog and slaps his girlfriends around. I felt so sorry for them kids havin' no toys that I put this here teeter-totter together for them.
Now, before you ask: yes, them are the rest of those chairs from Wal-Mart. You can get 'em at any local one! They mass-produce them over there in China, and we know they have plenty of workers to do it too. This teeter-totter not only goes up and down, but it also turns in circles. I kept pushin' and pushin' one day until them kids was both screamin', and then little Johnny went flyin' off. That's why there's an old mattress there nearby to keep them from getting hurt too bad.
I am runnin' out of time, but I have two more projects to show you. After they sumped out our septic, they must have dug too much of the yard up, 'cause our house sort of shifted a bit. I think they call that settlin', but back in my day settlin' meant you were movin' in somewhere.
I went out to the garage again because we were having trouble keeping our dishes in the cupboard. I had an old jack out of the Caddy (camper), so I cranked her up and now the cupboard is square again and the dishes stay put. You just have to be real careful not to move it too far, 'cause once I got the end of it against the wall socket and electrocuted myself. I had to use some old car parts books in order to stabilize it, but otherwise it works like a charm. Also, Ajax dish soap works GREAT on electrical burns!
Now for my final piece of advice to all you fancy people out there drivin' your Escalades and Hummers without bein' in the CIA, FBI, ATF or military...this is what you should be drivin' you stingy SOB's. Next time there's smog, I better see you in this!
That's Jimmy drivin' and he has one of them fancy shmancy chauffeur's licenses 'cause he also works for the fire department and on the amb'lance. His mules, Hans and Grettle came over straight from Bavaria, he says. I think they're just a couple of ja.....
Sorry, the better-half says it's time to get off of the IBM now.
Have a great rest of February!
- Uncle Charlie from down yonder
With all the snow we've had and the bitter cold this winter, I ran out of time to pour a nice set of concrete steps (complete with brick accents) to the front door. I figured recycling old materials would work until the ground thaws. Just watch that first step; it's a doozy.
Anyways, on to the rest of our projects. A lot of you know that we don't have the best of luck with our cars. If it isn't deer running into them like they're painted with a big red bullseye, then it's likely some other critter wandering the parking lot at Wal-Mart trying to steal our parking space.
To remedy some of our situations, I had to put my thinking cap on. It didn't take me too long to figure out the solution; I just had to rummage around in the garage for the right parts. The first problem was that our door handle wouldn't work properly on the driver's side, and it definitely wouldn't lock. Those electric locks are always the first thing to go. So I just found an old piece of junk that would work, screwed it on, then used a couple pop-rivets, and we were back on the road again.
A word to the wise; if you don't have a few pieces of old gate handles laying around, you should probably go get some. They come in might handy when you have this sort of problem. Trust me, no one messes with our 1981 Toyota Carolla wagon anymore!
My neighbor, the locksmith, liked our idea so much that he asked if he could borrow my idea. I told him he could, but he wasn't sure that the gate lock I had left over would quite fit his work van. The two of us rummaged around in my garage looking for something else that might work. It took us a couple hours, but then I remembered that my bicycle has two flat tires, and out here in the country, there isn't some punk that's gonna steal it out of the bike rack like they did when I was in elementary school. I found what we needed and we hooked it up. I think it not only compliments his van, but makes quite a statement.
div>
I edited out his phone number for obvious privacy reasons. One, I don't want anyone on the internet to steal his identity. Two, I don't want anyone on the internet to call him and ask him where he got such a great idea for his van. Proprietary information, I say. We bulked up the lock with a little duct tape and I think it sure makes it look snazzy against the blue of his van!
Now, we aren't rich folks, so don't get the wrong idea about us. We like simple things, and we're too old and set in our ways to change. Like I said before, I am always willing to help out a friend in need and I usually have the perfect solution once I find the parts I need. We decided that come this Spring, we're gonna want to go camping, and since the biggest buck I've ever seen pretty much wiped out the front end of our Cadillac, I told the better-half that I could make us a camper.
With the tinted windows and nearly-new chrome wheel covers, this baby can easily be pulled by our other car (or neighbor's van). It sleeps two, which is what we need. It comes complete with one double bed, cup holders, an ashtray, a boomin' stereo, has air shocks for a smooth ride, and we can even open the front window if we want to let a little air in. We're looking forward to using it all summer long. We just tie the dog chain to the front and let our coon hound roam. The cat's aren't too fond of the camper yet, but we haven't had a chance to get them out in it yet. We're waiting for April.
Remember how I told you that we have a lot of trouble with cars? Well, our old car (before the Toyota and the Caddy) was a little Dodge jobby. It had been sitting out in the yard on blocks for months. Some punk kids came around and decided they were gonna break into my trunk cuz they knew that's where I keep my handy tools and my duct tape. I fixed them one, though. I took that trunk lid right off of there, and built me a nice coffin-strong trunk that no one will ever get into. Now, if I can only remember to take the key along when I take this baby in to Wal-Mart to get my shoppin' done!
That was one problem solved. The other problem was what was gonna happen (now that we do have our indoor plumbing back) because everyone who's ever had a knee replacement knows it can be mighty difficult to get your butt down onto the toilet seat because your new plastic and steel knee that they drill and screw into your leg bones gets locked up unless you use a little WD-40. Don't think WD-40 is meant for people? Look it up on Google or Wiki-pedia smart ass!
Did I ever tell you about our nosy neighbors? They were complainin' and bitchin' because they thought we had too many cars in our yard. I went out one day and collected every inch of fencing I had and made us one of them privacy fences so they couldn't steal a peek over into our yard anymore. The great thing is that the new fence also serves as a reminder to folks that they need to recycle. Don't send perfectly good stuff to the dump; reuse it!
This summer, the better-half and I are planning on doing a little recreation (and not just in the camper). I came across a bit of luck recently when I found an older van that someone was just given' away. I towed it home with a log chain, winched it up using a pulley and some of the chain we tie the dog out with, and hung it in a big oak tree out behind the house. Then I tore all the old stuff out of our boat.
Down the hill from us there are two little kids; a boy and a girl. Their dad is never home and puts away about a keg of beer every night before he kicks the dog and slaps his girlfriends around. I felt so sorry for them kids havin' no toys that I put this here teeter-totter together for them.
I went out to the garage again because we were having trouble keeping our dishes in the cupboard. I had an old jack out of the Caddy (camper), so I cranked her up and now the cupboard is square again and the dishes stay put. You just have to be real careful not to move it too far, 'cause once I got the end of it against the wall socket and electrocuted myself. I had to use some old car parts books in order to stabilize it, but otherwise it works like a charm. Also, Ajax dish soap works GREAT on electrical burns!
Now for my final piece of advice to all you fancy people out there drivin' your Escalades and Hummers without bein' in the CIA, FBI, ATF or military...this is what you should be drivin' you stingy SOB's. Next time there's smog, I better see you in this!
Sorry, the better-half says it's time to get off of the IBM now.
Have a great rest of February!
- Uncle Charlie from down yonder
