Select from the Archives!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My favorite PARAPROSDOKIANS

Do you know what a "paraprosdokian" is?  Neither did I, so I looked it up and found out that it is one of my favorite things in the whole world.  Who knew?

For those of you who are not Rhodes Scholars, here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy this list of my favorites!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
~ Jon Hammond

Signs the Apocalypse is Upon Us

When I woke up today, I realized I hadn't passed in my sleep, which was something of a relief.  I got up, sat in front of the television set and was amazed at the complete lack of entertainment at 8:00 a.m.  I realized then that the end must be near.  If you don't believe me, then take a look at the signs...(and use the links to verify that I am not crazy - the world is!)

1.  The Pope now has a Twitter account and uses an iPad to "Tweet".
2.  The Nook e-book reader now has a feature where you can press a button and a dusty smell is emitted to make you feel like you're in a library.
3.  Goodyear has a new economy tire out called the "Recession Radial"...roadside assistance is optional, but suggested.
4.  Bernie Madolf thinks that he was swindled when he found out that he is to serve 150 years for Ponzi scheme; Swears he thought he was playing Yahtzee.
5.  The U.S. Women's Soccer Team pays homage to nurses across America by donning possibly the ugliest uniforms next to actual nursing uniforms.
6. "Aqueduct probe targets lobbyist"; So does his Proctologist.
7. Seattle police leave an assault rifle on the trunk of their car; Even the Seahawks are smart enough to let them know how stupid they are.
8.  Russian scientists expect that humanity will be visited by aliens within the next two decades; Sigourney Weaver prepares for fifth Aliens movie by drinking a bottle of Smirnoff (or Smirnov).
9. Inflatable Shark Among 300 New Species discovered in Philippines; Also in the neighbor's backyard pool.
10.  Tom Petty sends 'cease and desist' letter to Michelle Bachmann for using his song 'American Girl' while John Wayne sends a message to Michelle Bachmann from the grave telling her she's more like Rooster Cogburn than he ever was.
11.  North Korea says cause of loss to U.S. Women's soccer team was due to lightning; Kim Jong-il says it's the same reason he's so ugly.
12.  Malaysia airlines bans babies from being seated in first class;  US airlines ban Alec Baldwin from first class after embarrassing commercial.
13.  Billy Ray Cyrus fears Miley will be attacked by Satan while music lovers around the world cover their ears as Miley's voice makes their heads hurt like hell.
14.  Dutch hurdled in their plan to stop cannabis tourism; Cannabis users can't jump hurdles at Olympic trials and fail to qualify.
15.  Little house of secrets discovered in plains (Cheyenne, Wyoming) to house mailboxes for people like
a jailed former prime minister of Ukraine; Laura Ingalls Wilder upset that she didn't think of similar idea using Mary as her postmaster on the prairie.