Here is the old stuff from Hubpages - because some of you said you couldn't really find it. Click on the header to the post and it will all magically re-appear!
excellent hub reading well said work thanks![The Scream (Norwegian: Skrik; created 1893-1910[1]) is the title
of expressionist paintings and prints in a series by Norwegian artist
Edvard Munch, depicting an agonized figure against a blood red sky. The
landscape in the background is Oslofjord,](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vd6T6ISA-9x_TtrEIulgI7R45ETdU7IW0KS9I5uplK4DMzlWfSiomFt8OuHDKD5GakDpUHbMN6-kOq1occmgFnVES3HFm4F8eFGA=s0-d "Click to see
full-size image.")
It's Like Groundhog Day Over & Over Again
Last fall we noticed an animal had burrowed under the foundation of the house. The front part of our house sits on an existing foundation of an older building...the house is old. It has been added onto over time, but it is still a relatively old house. To get to the crawl space you either have to open a trap door in the floor of the office, or you have to open the door in the floor in the bedroom and climb down an extremely steep set of stairs into the actual basement. In the basement there is an access tunnel where the pipes and stuff go. This part of the access does NOT connect to the other crawl space because there is concrete footings between the two sides. One evening I heard something at the top of the steps (it sounded like it was right under the door to the basement in the floor of the bedroom). I told Denise that I was going to have to go down there and see if I could find it. Was I nervous? Heck yeah! I was worried that some rabid animal was going to come flying down that access tunnel in the dark and rip my throat out. I took a flashlight and a broom handle, and made Denise sit at the top of the stairs. I looked and looked but couldn't find anything down there but dirt and old packaging that held rat poison to kill the mice. So, feeling braver, I went upstairs and closed the door to the basement. Next I went over to the trapdoor that services the other side of the crawlspace area. I had to lay on my stomach and have Denise hold onto my feet so that I could look down in there. Again, I was afraid beady eyes were going to be staring right at my upside-down face and I would not have anything to protect myself with except a dang flashlight. I couldn't find anything down on that side either, so I sat up, closed the trap door, and said "get me the rat poison". I then opened the trap door and threw the rat poison traps as far to the front of the house as I could. Yes, I realized that whatever was down there might eat the bait and die UNDER THE HOUSE...and the smell would not be good. However, I was mad enough that I just didn't care anymore. I figured if it smelled, it was dead, and I could go back down and retrieve it with a garbage bag, rubber gloves and a gas mask. At least it would be GONE!
Winter came and the weather was NASTY. Very heavy (record setting) snow and cold, cold, cold. I didn't see tracks anywhere so I figured the thing under the house must have gotten out (there was no smell you see). My cousin had used Quik-Crete to fill the hole before it snowed...and we heard no more strange squeeking or scratching under our feet. We were warm and happy that the only animals we had to deal with were our two cats and our coonhound.
It is now March 12th. For the past week the temperatures have been in the 40s Fahrenheit and the snow has been melting away leaving our yard a giant mud puddle. It has also been raining off and on and there have been flood warnings. I went out today and sure enough the rivers are over their banks and some low-lying roads are covered with water. It sure felt good to have a little sun shine between the clouds, however. I went out and got a few groceries, gas, checked the fluids in the car, etc. Everything seemed rosey.
When I got home Denise informed me that the neighbors across the street had called and told her that there was a Woodchuck in our yard. I had to use the internet to find out that a Woodchuck and a Groundhog are the SAME THING!!! You know, Puxatawny Phil, the Groundhog that they keep in Pennsylvania to see if he sees his shadow or not on the 2nd of February? That is what I am talking about. No, Phil did not escape and move to Iowa. The one in our yard I am from now on going to call "THE BIG BOOGER".
I walked around the house and sure enough I found a hole about 5" across that THE BIG BOOGER had dug UNDER the same spot we had poured Quik-Crete down last fall. I frowned and cussed to myself. Then I walked around to the front of the house and saw that there was ANOTHER HOLE! I was really unhappy then. I went in the house and told Denise that the dang thing had eaten all the rat poison, but obviously it hadn't been enough. I opened the cupboard where I keep weapons of destruction, and pulled out the remainder of the rat poison. I thought "BIG BOOGER...HERE COMES YOUR MEDICINE"! I went back outside and poured the rat poison down the holes. Then I took river rocks (about 2" in diameter) and filled the holes. Then I put brick over the rock. Then I put a fake alligator garden ornament right by the hole (yeah, I guess I was hoping that BIG BOOGER would be afraid of the cement alligator). What the heck? Right?
I went inside the house and got onto the internet to research how to kill a Groundhog/Woodchuck (BIG BOOGER). One person was selling an attachment that you hooked to the exhaust of your automobile and then take this hose and put it down the burrow with the idea that the CO2 will go down in the hole and choke them to death (and yeah the dead bodies will either still remain down there or they will run out of some hole I can't find yet). Someone suggested that peeing around the area and down the hole will prevent BIG BOOGER from coming back due to the scent. Denise wonders if we would have to get a "pee" license to use the yard as our toilet. Knowing today's society, the answer would probably be yes, and would probably cost more than we could afford. We could drink a bunch of water and pee in a bucket and then take that out and pour it around, but that doesn't really sound too appealing. Another person suggested putting dog poop in and around the hole. We have plenty of dog poop that I could scoop up and try. My luck BIG BOOGER would like the taste of the feces and drag it under the house, and then we'd wonder why we kept getting a whiff of poop. Firecrackers, dynamite, and smoke bombs were also recommended online. My question is this: dynamite is explosive, right? And won't that also blow up the house? Also, anything that creates smoke will most likely float up through cracks and crevices we can't see and fill the house with the smell of sulfur (which, if you have been to a fireworks show, you know it doesn't smell very pleasant). Some people suggested live traps. My only problem with live traps is that you have to set them very carefully (you don't want BIG BOOGER to smell your fingerprints on the wire after all) and THEN you have to bait it with vegetable material. If Denise and I could afford vegetable materials on our food stamps, we would be eating it ourselves...not giving it to BIG BOOGER!
This lady seems to have a similar dislike for the rodent(s)
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/237378/groundhog_invasion_turns_mild_mannered.html?cat=7
Her idea was to throw a "pee" party. Very funny by the way. Read it after you read the rest of my story...
Now it is almost 8 pm. I have done all the research I can. Anti-freeze would be a quick way to kill BIG BOOGER, but we don't want to kill anything else. Animal Rights Activists will probably be knocking on my door soon, anyway, for trying to kill the dang thing. Why am I trying to kill it? Well, to relocate a Woodchuck/Groundhog, you have to take it at least 10 miles from your home. That means I would have to load BIG BOOGER up into the backseat of my 1991 Chevy Cavalier (THE CAV) and listen to it the whole time I am trying to get 10 miles away by my odometer (maybe I should go 12 just to make sure). Then I found out that you cannot relocate them yourself because it could spread rabies! If it spreads rabies then why in the heck am I even trying to get near it?
I am thinking about donning my ninja gear (balaclava, night-vision goggles, black ninja pajamas, fuzzy slippers with Yak-Trax on them for extra stomp power if needed, and my katana). I could wait outside the hole and then slash BIG BOOGER in half with my sword and that would be the end of him. OR... I could wait until daylight when BIG BOOGER comes out to chew on my budding rose bushes and shoot him with my high-powered rifle. Chances are, that would take care of him, but it might alert the neighbors to the fact that I have a high-powered rifle, National Rifle Association members or not. I can just see it now. The headlines of the Des Moines Register: "HUNTER MAIMED WHEN SHOT MISSES BIG BOOGER". Then there would be the big black helicopters overhead using infra-red heat signals to scout out my location so that the FBI, ATF and CIA could arrest me for using my high-powered rifle.
BIG BOOGER - I am watching and waiting. Soon you will be mine. Meanwhile, I will draw up my battle plans...
Winter came and the weather was NASTY. Very heavy (record setting) snow and cold, cold, cold. I didn't see tracks anywhere so I figured the thing under the house must have gotten out (there was no smell you see). My cousin had used Quik-Crete to fill the hole before it snowed...and we heard no more strange squeeking or scratching under our feet. We were warm and happy that the only animals we had to deal with were our two cats and our coonhound.
It is now March 12th. For the past week the temperatures have been in the 40s Fahrenheit and the snow has been melting away leaving our yard a giant mud puddle. It has also been raining off and on and there have been flood warnings. I went out today and sure enough the rivers are over their banks and some low-lying roads are covered with water. It sure felt good to have a little sun shine between the clouds, however. I went out and got a few groceries, gas, checked the fluids in the car, etc. Everything seemed rosey.
When I got home Denise informed me that the neighbors across the street had called and told her that there was a Woodchuck in our yard. I had to use the internet to find out that a Woodchuck and a Groundhog are the SAME THING!!! You know, Puxatawny Phil, the Groundhog that they keep in Pennsylvania to see if he sees his shadow or not on the 2nd of February? That is what I am talking about. No, Phil did not escape and move to Iowa. The one in our yard I am from now on going to call "THE BIG BOOGER".
I walked around the house and sure enough I found a hole about 5" across that THE BIG BOOGER had dug UNDER the same spot we had poured Quik-Crete down last fall. I frowned and cussed to myself. Then I walked around to the front of the house and saw that there was ANOTHER HOLE! I was really unhappy then. I went in the house and told Denise that the dang thing had eaten all the rat poison, but obviously it hadn't been enough. I opened the cupboard where I keep weapons of destruction, and pulled out the remainder of the rat poison. I thought "BIG BOOGER...HERE COMES YOUR MEDICINE"! I went back outside and poured the rat poison down the holes. Then I took river rocks (about 2" in diameter) and filled the holes. Then I put brick over the rock. Then I put a fake alligator garden ornament right by the hole (yeah, I guess I was hoping that BIG BOOGER would be afraid of the cement alligator). What the heck? Right?
I went inside the house and got onto the internet to research how to kill a Groundhog/Woodchuck (BIG BOOGER). One person was selling an attachment that you hooked to the exhaust of your automobile and then take this hose and put it down the burrow with the idea that the CO2 will go down in the hole and choke them to death (and yeah the dead bodies will either still remain down there or they will run out of some hole I can't find yet). Someone suggested that peeing around the area and down the hole will prevent BIG BOOGER from coming back due to the scent. Denise wonders if we would have to get a "pee" license to use the yard as our toilet. Knowing today's society, the answer would probably be yes, and would probably cost more than we could afford. We could drink a bunch of water and pee in a bucket and then take that out and pour it around, but that doesn't really sound too appealing. Another person suggested putting dog poop in and around the hole. We have plenty of dog poop that I could scoop up and try. My luck BIG BOOGER would like the taste of the feces and drag it under the house, and then we'd wonder why we kept getting a whiff of poop. Firecrackers, dynamite, and smoke bombs were also recommended online. My question is this: dynamite is explosive, right? And won't that also blow up the house? Also, anything that creates smoke will most likely float up through cracks and crevices we can't see and fill the house with the smell of sulfur (which, if you have been to a fireworks show, you know it doesn't smell very pleasant). Some people suggested live traps. My only problem with live traps is that you have to set them very carefully (you don't want BIG BOOGER to smell your fingerprints on the wire after all) and THEN you have to bait it with vegetable material. If Denise and I could afford vegetable materials on our food stamps, we would be eating it ourselves...not giving it to BIG BOOGER!
This lady seems to have a similar dislike for the rodent(s)
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/237378/groundhog_invasion_turns_mild_mannered.html?cat=7
Her idea was to throw a "pee" party. Very funny by the way. Read it after you read the rest of my story...
Now it is almost 8 pm. I have done all the research I can. Anti-freeze would be a quick way to kill BIG BOOGER, but we don't want to kill anything else. Animal Rights Activists will probably be knocking on my door soon, anyway, for trying to kill the dang thing. Why am I trying to kill it? Well, to relocate a Woodchuck/Groundhog, you have to take it at least 10 miles from your home. That means I would have to load BIG BOOGER up into the backseat of my 1991 Chevy Cavalier (THE CAV) and listen to it the whole time I am trying to get 10 miles away by my odometer (maybe I should go 12 just to make sure). Then I found out that you cannot relocate them yourself because it could spread rabies! If it spreads rabies then why in the heck am I even trying to get near it?
I am thinking about donning my ninja gear (balaclava, night-vision goggles, black ninja pajamas, fuzzy slippers with Yak-Trax on them for extra stomp power if needed, and my katana). I could wait outside the hole and then slash BIG BOOGER in half with my sword and that would be the end of him. OR... I could wait until daylight when BIG BOOGER comes out to chew on my budding rose bushes and shoot him with my high-powered rifle. Chances are, that would take care of him, but it might alert the neighbors to the fact that I have a high-powered rifle, National Rifle Association members or not. I can just see it now. The headlines of the Des Moines Register: "HUNTER MAIMED WHEN SHOT MISSES BIG BOOGER". Then there would be the big black helicopters overhead using infra-red heat signals to scout out my location so that the FBI, ATF and CIA could arrest me for using my high-powered rifle.
BIG BOOGER - I am watching and waiting. Soon you will be mine. Meanwhile, I will draw up my battle plans...
Comments
Love the story and your writing.....want more!!!
That darn little burden some critter "ground hog or woodchuck" sure is a destructive thing. It has actually chewed off the wrapping around the pipes (the insulation) they sure are cute but surly not a good pet to have around. I don't wish to kill the thing but sure would like him to go back into the woods & go home. :) I feel bad for you gal & I wish we could come up with something as well to make it just disappear. Know what a I mean?
It's Halloween in the Emergency Room
Around 10 p.m. last night I was ‘fortunate’ to need to be transported to a local Emergency Room. If it weren’t for the personal nature of the emergency, I would be happy to tell you about the reason, however, I would rather not get specific. Let’s just say that bleeding to death is not something to ignore. Neither is the panic involved when your brain starts screaming “pain, pain, pain” or “you’re bleeding to death, idiot”. Mind you, I really had no idea if I was going to see angels soon or not, but I guess I needed a bill that I am sure will be over $1000.00 to reassure me.
Emergency Rooms are very interesting. I worked in the health care field for several years. I used to work as an EMT, as a ward clerk and then for a few years in a local burn unit as a tech. I was familiar with the Emergency Room. Usually it was because I was taking someone there in the ambulance because their brain was telling them “pain, pain, pain” or something similar, or because someone came into the E.R. in a condition that made all of us professionals wondering if they were going to be seeing the angels soon or not. Most of the time the ‘patients’ were patched up, stabilized, and sent to a room or sent on their way (with bills of over $1000.00).
Last night role reversal was obvious. As I spent nearly an hour in the waiting room hoping that I didn’t pass out or worse, and as I was talking to my parents, some strange things started happening. Suddenly out of a door came a woman sitting in a wheelchair with someone pushing her that I can only assume was her chauffeur. He was disguised as a health-care professional but from the conversation I could hear it was apparent that she believed he was her personal assistant as well. It was Driving Miss Daisy all over again, only there were no racial issues. She was pale as a ghost, but dressed to the nines. On her head was a hat I can only describe as the Kentucky Derby style. It wasn’t the Southern Belle look. It was more like a tall bowler with some sort of scarf. I looked at my mom, and being a rather tolerant person and not likely to make fun of people (because who enjoys being mocked), I found the words escaping my mouth on their own. “Did they just Life Flight her from the Betty Ford Clinic?” I closed my mouth like a trap when my brain registered what I had said. Suddenly my mother spotted who I was talking about and she could not contain her laughter. Granted, she was trying to stifle it, but when my mother starts up she gets the giggles to the point that I worry she’s going to pee her pants and stop breathing. This made me giggle. I covered my mouth and averted my eyes. My dad looked at the two of us, clearly having not seen the object that we were cracking up over due to his firm resolve to solve what I believe to either be a crossword puzzle or a Sudoku. His eyes stirred from the magazine in his hands and he perused the area that our eyes were avoiding. Then he smiled and asked us what was so funny, then added “Is that some famous movie star from the forties?” That made my mother and I start laughing all over again. Thankfully, before my mom could wet her pants or pass out, the woman was wheeled away. I made a reference to the artist Munch and the ‘Scream’, and dad corrected me that Munch is the “guy on Law & Order”. Dad, even though you are an artist (drafting expert only not paid as much as you should be), I think you need to go back and study your famous artists and famous paintings one more time – and then you’ll get the reference, and that it had nothing to do with Law & Order. (see this link for more information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scream). To everyone who sees the image, you will get a good idea of what the woman’s face looked like.
Emergency Rooms are very interesting. I worked in the health care field for several years. I used to work as an EMT, as a ward clerk and then for a few years in a local burn unit as a tech. I was familiar with the Emergency Room. Usually it was because I was taking someone there in the ambulance because their brain was telling them “pain, pain, pain” or something similar, or because someone came into the E.R. in a condition that made all of us professionals wondering if they were going to be seeing the angels soon or not. Most of the time the ‘patients’ were patched up, stabilized, and sent to a room or sent on their way (with bills of over $1000.00).
Last night role reversal was obvious. As I spent nearly an hour in the waiting room hoping that I didn’t pass out or worse, and as I was talking to my parents, some strange things started happening. Suddenly out of a door came a woman sitting in a wheelchair with someone pushing her that I can only assume was her chauffeur. He was disguised as a health-care professional but from the conversation I could hear it was apparent that she believed he was her personal assistant as well. It was Driving Miss Daisy all over again, only there were no racial issues. She was pale as a ghost, but dressed to the nines. On her head was a hat I can only describe as the Kentucky Derby style. It wasn’t the Southern Belle look. It was more like a tall bowler with some sort of scarf. I looked at my mom, and being a rather tolerant person and not likely to make fun of people (because who enjoys being mocked), I found the words escaping my mouth on their own. “Did they just Life Flight her from the Betty Ford Clinic?” I closed my mouth like a trap when my brain registered what I had said. Suddenly my mother spotted who I was talking about and she could not contain her laughter. Granted, she was trying to stifle it, but when my mother starts up she gets the giggles to the point that I worry she’s going to pee her pants and stop breathing. This made me giggle. I covered my mouth and averted my eyes. My dad looked at the two of us, clearly having not seen the object that we were cracking up over due to his firm resolve to solve what I believe to either be a crossword puzzle or a Sudoku. His eyes stirred from the magazine in his hands and he perused the area that our eyes were avoiding. Then he smiled and asked us what was so funny, then added “Is that some famous movie star from the forties?” That made my mother and I start laughing all over again. Thankfully, before my mom could wet her pants or pass out, the woman was wheeled away. I made a reference to the artist Munch and the ‘Scream’, and dad corrected me that Munch is the “guy on Law & Order”. Dad, even though you are an artist (drafting expert only not paid as much as you should be), I think you need to go back and study your famous artists and famous paintings one more time – and then you’ll get the reference, and that it had nothing to do with Law & Order. (see this link for more information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scream). To everyone who sees the image, you will get a good idea of what the woman’s face looked like.
"The Scream"
The Scream (Norwegian: Skrik; created 1893-1910[1]) is the title of expressionist paintings and prints in a series by Norwegian artist Edvard Munch, depicting an agonized figure against a blood red sky. The landscape in the background is Oslofjord,
continuing...
Thankfully, I got called back to a room. Meanwhile while I was being subjected to ‘vampires’ who wanted even more blood than I had already lost, my parents remained in the waiting room. After my agonizing and humiliating ordeal involving a male student and a female nurse, a doctor who told me that he couldn’t really do too much for me, and a male ultrasound technician that I swear I have seen at the Garden Nightclub in Des Moines, I returned to the waiting room with my discharge papers, which ironically stated that if I was bleeding heavily, I should go to the Emergency Room. Um, hello, that is why I came in the first place people! I was released around 4 a.m. It seems like it took a lot of time to do what the doctor referred to as ‘little that could be done in the Emergency Room’.
Dad, Mom, and I loaded into the mini-van, me in the back sitting on a blanket so that I wouldn’t bleed all over the vehicle. Then the stories started.
While my mom and dad tried hard not to fall asleep they kept seeing strange occurrences in the waiting room. At one point an elderly woman was rolled out of the E.R. The health-care provider that wheeled her out told her tell everyone ‘goodbye’, at which she began waving her hand like the Queen of England. Maybe it was the Queen Mother. It would be difficult to tell due to her not having an entourage, but perhaps she flew thousands of miles just to be treated at this particular facility for anonymity.
Kids in the E.R. are often bored, and at 3 a.m. not very ruly. My mom, who has little tolerance for wild, unchecked children, heard a conversation between the apparent mother of the children and what could have been her husband, boyfriend, or male partner. She asked him if he would take the kids home and put them to bed. He responded that the kids “wouldn’t go to sleep anyway”. Reminding me of Madea in the Tyler Perry comedies, my mother said something to the effect that if he had told her that she would have rolled up a magazine and beat him about the head and face. This made me laugh hysterically. I could just see my mother crossing the waiting room, Newsweek in her hand, pummeling this man upside his head. I wondered if the E.R. staff would have called Security. When we had first arrived to the E.R., the only Security personnel we saw was an elderly man behind a counter near the entrance who could barely walk and looked more like a greeter at Wal-Mart, but in a suit and tie (without the blue vest and smiley face stickers). The imagery in my head was of an elderly man trying to use his walker or cane to force my mother off of the man she was beating like a dog who had just crapped on the floor.
Other patients in the waiting room included a woman with a toothache and a man with an earache. Once we’d gotten into the van (and stopped by McDonalds so I could eat my first crappy meal of the whole day), my dad said that the E.R. was a misnomer because it appeared to him to simply be an over-night clinic. I told him the E.R. staff probably felt that way half the time as well. According to my parents both toothache girl and earache man came out of the E.R. happy as clams. Glad that they were all fixed and their doctor didn’t tell them there wasn’t much he could do. I bet they also have bills over $1000.00 to look forward to, which might hurt their pocketbooks later; even in their physical pain is all cleared up.
Back to McDonald’s … we pulled up to the drive-thru because it said that it was open 24 hours a day. We looked at the lit-up sign we who eat at McDonald’s because we are too lazy too cook recognize well. The lady on the bad intercom asked what we’d like to order. I wanted a #15, the Angus cheese burger with bacon meal and Coke to drink. She said (sort of rudely), that they didn’t serve that at that time of night. I wondered ‘how hard is it to nuke the burger and bacon, slap it on a bun, squirt excess ketchup and mustard on it, and hand it to us. So I told my dad to order the Chicken sandwich meal. Again, the lady on the intercom said that they do not serve that at that time of night. Exasperated, my dad asked what they did serve. She said, “You see that sign down on the ground? That tells you what we serve right now.” It was barely visible from the car window. It was a blue sign with some misspelled words on it that indicated what they did serve. And yes, cheeseburgers were on that menu. How dumb is that? So I ordered a double quarter pounder, small fries, and a large Coke. As my dad was pulling up to pay I said, “How hard is it to nuke some McNuggets?” We waited at the window for over 20 minutes while they made my sandwich. Out came the food finally. Dad started driving me home while I consumed my food. The French fries were rubbery. I made the comment that they must not be able to use the fryer after midnight due to safety concerns, which made my parents laugh. It was the worst food ever. And at approximately 5:40 a.m. it was the worst food ever ‘again’, if you catch my drift.
So, when you go to the E.R., I advise you to take a camera phone so that you have a complete photo log of what you see. You never know, maybe someone will create a web site called “The People of Hospital E.R. Departments” like the PeopleatWalmart.com folks did (big success by the way!)
Dad, Mom, and I loaded into the mini-van, me in the back sitting on a blanket so that I wouldn’t bleed all over the vehicle. Then the stories started.
While my mom and dad tried hard not to fall asleep they kept seeing strange occurrences in the waiting room. At one point an elderly woman was rolled out of the E.R. The health-care provider that wheeled her out told her tell everyone ‘goodbye’, at which she began waving her hand like the Queen of England. Maybe it was the Queen Mother. It would be difficult to tell due to her not having an entourage, but perhaps she flew thousands of miles just to be treated at this particular facility for anonymity.
Kids in the E.R. are often bored, and at 3 a.m. not very ruly. My mom, who has little tolerance for wild, unchecked children, heard a conversation between the apparent mother of the children and what could have been her husband, boyfriend, or male partner. She asked him if he would take the kids home and put them to bed. He responded that the kids “wouldn’t go to sleep anyway”. Reminding me of Madea in the Tyler Perry comedies, my mother said something to the effect that if he had told her that she would have rolled up a magazine and beat him about the head and face. This made me laugh hysterically. I could just see my mother crossing the waiting room, Newsweek in her hand, pummeling this man upside his head. I wondered if the E.R. staff would have called Security. When we had first arrived to the E.R., the only Security personnel we saw was an elderly man behind a counter near the entrance who could barely walk and looked more like a greeter at Wal-Mart, but in a suit and tie (without the blue vest and smiley face stickers). The imagery in my head was of an elderly man trying to use his walker or cane to force my mother off of the man she was beating like a dog who had just crapped on the floor.
Other patients in the waiting room included a woman with a toothache and a man with an earache. Once we’d gotten into the van (and stopped by McDonalds so I could eat my first crappy meal of the whole day), my dad said that the E.R. was a misnomer because it appeared to him to simply be an over-night clinic. I told him the E.R. staff probably felt that way half the time as well. According to my parents both toothache girl and earache man came out of the E.R. happy as clams. Glad that they were all fixed and their doctor didn’t tell them there wasn’t much he could do. I bet they also have bills over $1000.00 to look forward to, which might hurt their pocketbooks later; even in their physical pain is all cleared up.
Back to McDonald’s … we pulled up to the drive-thru because it said that it was open 24 hours a day. We looked at the lit-up sign we who eat at McDonald’s because we are too lazy too cook recognize well. The lady on the bad intercom asked what we’d like to order. I wanted a #15, the Angus cheese burger with bacon meal and Coke to drink. She said (sort of rudely), that they didn’t serve that at that time of night. I wondered ‘how hard is it to nuke the burger and bacon, slap it on a bun, squirt excess ketchup and mustard on it, and hand it to us. So I told my dad to order the Chicken sandwich meal. Again, the lady on the intercom said that they do not serve that at that time of night. Exasperated, my dad asked what they did serve. She said, “You see that sign down on the ground? That tells you what we serve right now.” It was barely visible from the car window. It was a blue sign with some misspelled words on it that indicated what they did serve. And yes, cheeseburgers were on that menu. How dumb is that? So I ordered a double quarter pounder, small fries, and a large Coke. As my dad was pulling up to pay I said, “How hard is it to nuke some McNuggets?” We waited at the window for over 20 minutes while they made my sandwich. Out came the food finally. Dad started driving me home while I consumed my food. The French fries were rubbery. I made the comment that they must not be able to use the fryer after midnight due to safety concerns, which made my parents laugh. It was the worst food ever. And at approximately 5:40 a.m. it was the worst food ever ‘again’, if you catch my drift.
So, when you go to the E.R., I advise you to take a camera phone so that you have a complete photo log of what you see. You never know, maybe someone will create a web site called “The People of Hospital E.R. Departments” like the PeopleatWalmart.com folks did (big success by the way!)
To see the People of Walmart...
UFO Screams over Iowa on April 14th, 2010
Merrium-Webster's online dictionary defines a UFO as "an unidentified flying object". Most people who hear that acronym assume a 'flying saucer'.
Last night, around 10:00 p.m. (Central Standard Time, USA), I was taking my dog outside for the umpteenth time because she was adamant that she explore and probably relieve her bladder. I hooked her to her chain and as I stood up the night sky lit up. Honestly, I thought it was lightening. North of my location there were supposed to have been some thunderstorms, so I really didn't pay much attention. The gal that lives with me stepped out and I said, "I just saw lightening." She said she'd seen it too. Well...it wasn't lightening.
According to news sources, it was a huge 'fire ball' - most likely a meteor. There are some visual recordings you can go to where you can see the event (see links below).
According to a Drake University Astronomer, this was a rare occurrence. Most meteors are not so large. As it passed over, it created a shock wave, which made a sound similar to thunder. It was picked up on Doppler radar by news stations at around 24,000 feet above the earth's surface.
The fiery multi-colored ball of light was witnessed by thousands as it roared over the upper Midwest United States. It traveled from the north-west to the south-east. Some experts believe that it probably left a trail of debris across southern Wisconsin (so, if you live in that area, start looking around for the remnant, which would now be called a meteorite and is highly valuable to scientists). Meteorites are so highly prized by scientists, collectors and dealers, that teams of searchers already are preparing to go to an area in southwest Wisconsin where fragments most likely would have crashed into the ground.
"It has the appearance that is completely consistent with being a bright meteor," said Mark Hammergren, an Adler Planetarium astronomer who specializes in asteroids, after viewing the Doppler images.
The object, lit up the sky shortly after 10 p.m. CST Wednesday across parts of Missouri, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois and Wisconsin, was very likely a piece of an asteroid, a rocky planetoid formation that orbits the sun, he said. Almost all meteors come from asteroids.
"We won't know for sure until we get specimens" of whatever the object was, if pieces of it survived the fiery plunge through the Earth's atmosphere, he said. But it was so large, he said he was fairly certain some may be found.
There was no "space junk" satellite debris that would have de-orbited into the atmosphere over that part of the U.S. Wednesday night, said William Ailor, director of the Center for Orbital and Reentry Debris Studies at the Aerospace Corp. in California, ruling out that it could have been a piece of an old satellite.
Most people who have reported seeing the event say that a shooting star and the common meteor showers (like the Leonids) paled in comparison.
Becky Hoffman, who lives on a farm near Dixon, Ill., said she and her husband were getting ready for bed when they looked out and saw a "big glow" in the sky. She found it strange because the air was clear of storm clouds. She said she is about an hour and a half from the Wisconsin border and noticed the light north of her home.
"We thought it might have been a transformer blowing up in the area," she said, but she dismissed it because she did not hear any explosions.
She said it was a reddish orange glow to it and she didn't think anything of it until she turned on the radio Thursday morning and heard that it was a meteor.
"That's what it was, I saw it," said Hoffman. "I thought it was pretty exciting, I just want to know where it ended up at. Did it disintegrate into the skyline or did it actually hit ground?"
Several reports of a prolonged sonic boom were received from areas north of Highway 20, along with shaking of homes, trees and various other objects including wind chimes. As of late Wednesday evening, it is unknown whether any portion of this meteorite hit the ground."
"The strength of this was comparable to others where multiple fragments have been recovered, Mark Hammergren said, guessing that as a meteor prior to hitting and exploding in the atmosphere may have weighed "hundreds of pounds". Similarly sized meteors have produced meteorite fragments from the size of grains of sand to fist size and football-sized chunks.
If you do find a piece of this meteor (a meteorite in case you forgot), please post it on Craig's list so that I can purchase it from you. I need to supplement my income. Just kidding! About the meteorite that is - it is true that I need to supplement my income.
Oh --- and when you watch the video below DO NOT fall asleep during the first 20 seconds. This was a dash-cam video on a Sheriff vehicle in Howard County.
Last night, around 10:00 p.m. (Central Standard Time, USA), I was taking my dog outside for the umpteenth time because she was adamant that she explore and probably relieve her bladder. I hooked her to her chain and as I stood up the night sky lit up. Honestly, I thought it was lightening. North of my location there were supposed to have been some thunderstorms, so I really didn't pay much attention. The gal that lives with me stepped out and I said, "I just saw lightening." She said she'd seen it too. Well...it wasn't lightening.
According to news sources, it was a huge 'fire ball' - most likely a meteor. There are some visual recordings you can go to where you can see the event (see links below).
According to a Drake University Astronomer, this was a rare occurrence. Most meteors are not so large. As it passed over, it created a shock wave, which made a sound similar to thunder. It was picked up on Doppler radar by news stations at around 24,000 feet above the earth's surface.
The fiery multi-colored ball of light was witnessed by thousands as it roared over the upper Midwest United States. It traveled from the north-west to the south-east. Some experts believe that it probably left a trail of debris across southern Wisconsin (so, if you live in that area, start looking around for the remnant, which would now be called a meteorite and is highly valuable to scientists). Meteorites are so highly prized by scientists, collectors and dealers, that teams of searchers already are preparing to go to an area in southwest Wisconsin where fragments most likely would have crashed into the ground.
"It has the appearance that is completely consistent with being a bright meteor," said Mark Hammergren, an Adler Planetarium astronomer who specializes in asteroids, after viewing the Doppler images.
The object, lit up the sky shortly after 10 p.m. CST Wednesday across parts of Missouri, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois and Wisconsin, was very likely a piece of an asteroid, a rocky planetoid formation that orbits the sun, he said. Almost all meteors come from asteroids.
"We won't know for sure until we get specimens" of whatever the object was, if pieces of it survived the fiery plunge through the Earth's atmosphere, he said. But it was so large, he said he was fairly certain some may be found.
There was no "space junk" satellite debris that would have de-orbited into the atmosphere over that part of the U.S. Wednesday night, said William Ailor, director of the Center for Orbital and Reentry Debris Studies at the Aerospace Corp. in California, ruling out that it could have been a piece of an old satellite.
Most people who have reported seeing the event say that a shooting star and the common meteor showers (like the Leonids) paled in comparison.
Becky Hoffman, who lives on a farm near Dixon, Ill., said she and her husband were getting ready for bed when they looked out and saw a "big glow" in the sky. She found it strange because the air was clear of storm clouds. She said she is about an hour and a half from the Wisconsin border and noticed the light north of her home.
"We thought it might have been a transformer blowing up in the area," she said, but she dismissed it because she did not hear any explosions.
She said it was a reddish orange glow to it and she didn't think anything of it until she turned on the radio Thursday morning and heard that it was a meteor.
"That's what it was, I saw it," said Hoffman. "I thought it was pretty exciting, I just want to know where it ended up at. Did it disintegrate into the skyline or did it actually hit ground?"
Several reports of a prolonged sonic boom were received from areas north of Highway 20, along with shaking of homes, trees and various other objects including wind chimes. As of late Wednesday evening, it is unknown whether any portion of this meteorite hit the ground."
"The strength of this was comparable to others where multiple fragments have been recovered, Mark Hammergren said, guessing that as a meteor prior to hitting and exploding in the atmosphere may have weighed "hundreds of pounds". Similarly sized meteors have produced meteorite fragments from the size of grains of sand to fist size and football-sized chunks.
If you do find a piece of this meteor (a meteorite in case you forgot), please post it on Craig's list so that I can purchase it from you. I need to supplement my income. Just kidding! About the meteorite that is - it is true that I need to supplement my income.
Oh --- and when you watch the video below DO NOT fall asleep during the first 20 seconds. This was a dash-cam video on a Sheriff vehicle in Howard County.
UFO or Meteor?
Captioning some of my favorite photos
Occasionally I will see photos online that really make me giggle. Unfortunately, some of the captioning that is done is a little too raunchy.
Below is an example of my own captioning with some popular web photos.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I DID NOT take these photos, although I wish I could take credit for them. Thanks to the People of Walmart website for the fun and laughs.
Below is an example of my own captioning with some popular web photos.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I DID NOT take these photos, although I wish I could take credit for them. Thanks to the People of Walmart website for the fun and laughs.
My favorite people of Walmart 1
Click thumbnail to view full-sizeBat-woman is shopping for camping supplies for her and Robin. Check out the propane tanks to her left. She's even prepared by wearing a poncho!
More favorite People
Click thumbnail to view full-sizeThe absolute and ridiculous
Click thumbnail to view full-sizeAttention Cruella DeVille... the 103rd Dalmation HAS BEEN FOUND!
Comments
Man alive- when did these people come out of the wood work. It must be "Spring" I would be ashamed to come out & dress like that unless I was actually released from the mental health facility. "YIKES"
Bigfoot - Real or Not Real?
Bigfoot has been a creature spoken of for so long that I decided to lay it all out. Yes, there have been hoaxes. Yes, there have been really grainy videos. But I finally found proof of its existence.
Please see the photo below.
Please see the photo below.
Bigfoot alive and well - at least in Georgia in the 1800s.
Down Low on the Po Po
I'm sitting here watching COPS (which they tell us is about cops). Duh! Sorry Fox network, I thought that COPS was a show about the Community of Physical Scientists. Seriously?!
I don't have anything but the utmost respect for police officers and safety officers who conduct themselves appropriately. They are heroes. They protect us and keep us safe.
So, let me get back to COPS (the show). I watch as this white police officer rolls up on these two black guys (and yeah they had what could be considered gang apparel on if you think that anyone who is a Yankees fan and wears baggy shorts and a cap is a gang member). The two guys are working on a car that is parked in the street. The officer tells the camera operator in the car that he's going to pull over and see if they "need any help". The officer gets out of the car and he walks up and asks them if there is something wrong with their car. First off, hello officer, they have their hands dirty with grease and one of them has a tool that appeared to look like pliers in his hand and is using it on the car. The guy working on the car says that he thinks there is a wire loose because it smells like smoke under the hood. He's still working on the car when the officer asks for their identification. So, they stop working on the car and take out their ID. The officer then goes back to his car and runs their names. No record - sorry officer. Oh but wait, he's not satisfied. He steps back out of his car and up to the two guys. He asks the guy working on the car if he'd had anything to drink. The guy admits that he had earlier in the day. The officer then decides he's going to pat the two men down for "weapons". The only possible weapon that these two obviously had was a pair of pliers. He digs at the first guy's pockets. Nothin'. Then he makes him go to the back of the car where he gives him a "sobriety test" that consisted of asking him a question. Then, not satisfied, he pulls out a pen and makes the guy watch the pen as he swirls it in big circles and then pushes it to his nose. From the position of the camera, it looked like the guy's eyes worked just fine to me. But ... the officer says that he thinks that the guy is under the influence of cannabis.
What?!?! I thought he was giving him a test to see if he'd been drinking. He knew that he had been. So let me get this right? A sobriety test also proves if you have smoked pot? I guess that's a possibility. The officer never said he could smell anything on the guy.
I'm giving the play by play to the gal that lives with me (she has a BS in Criminal Justice and has worked in security, been a prison guard, and worked as a private eye). She starts laughing.
Next, the officer moves to the other guy. He starts digging in his pockets and all of a sudden the guy takes off. The officer huffs and puffs, tries jumping a fence, and flips over onto his back. I'm thinking 'dang, that guy just busted his butt'. He looses the runner, so he goes back to the other guy and arrests him.
The helicopter is flying overhead and there is a perimeter of officers in cars all over the neighborhood. I find myself yelling "run!" to the bad guy as if he can hear me. I even yell at the runner to climb a tree and hide.
At this point, and yeah I might be a little misguided, I start rooting for the 'bad guy'. Not because I think people that have drugs or are committing crimes should get away with it, but because this officer was supposedly 'helping' these two guys with their car and it suddenly turned into a bust. He had no probable cause other than the fact that two black guys were working on a car. In my mind I am wondering, 'would he have truly helped them if it had been two clean-cut white guys?' He looks into the car windows to see if he can find anything before he ever asks the two guys if he can search the car. The car never gets searched because SPEEDY took off and left the officer in the dust! Literally.
The officer goes to a neighboring house and asks if they have any sheds out behind their house. They did. So the officer goes back there. You never see anything on the camera (obvious edit job) of the officer looking around. All of a sudden from the television comes him screaming at the runner and cuffing him. He then literally pulled him out from under a shed, through some weeds, and into the yard. (Cut) Yeah, I mean cut. The camera man doesn't show anymore until the officer and the runner are in the street walking.
It turns out that SPEEDY had a small bag of pot on him. Now he's not only in trouble for running but also for pot.
The first guy then asks the officer a VERY good and rational question. He wants to know what gave the officer the right to just walk up to them the way that he did and start "lookin' for stuff". The officer then states that he has the right to walk up to anyone and check them for weapons.
Ok ... so he really wanted to check them for weapons?
1. Why did he not pat them down right away then?
2. Why did he tell the camera operator he was going to see if they needed help with their car?
According to the 4th Amendment the US Constitution prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures by federal law enforcement agents. The Fourteenth (14th) Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America imposes the 4th Amendment upon the states and to law enforcement agents within the states. Unreasonable searches and seizures are prohibited; reasonable searches are not prohibited. The 14th Amendment rights to privacy do not extend into every aspect of a person's private affairs.
If the violation of a person's expectation to privacy is reasonable, then the search is permissible. A reasonable search can occur with explicit consent or implicit consent. If a person is asked if they may be searched and that person then responds affirmatively, consent has been given to the search. That type of search would be a search by explicit permission - that type of search is reasonable. By giving consent, the searched person no longer has a reasonable expectation to any privacy.
If contraband, paraphernalia, a weapon, or some other piece of evidence or if criminal activity is "in plain view", an exception to consent arises under the law. That type of voluntary exposure allows the police to view the article without a search. Since a search is not needed to view something "in plain view", then there is no violation of a person's reasonable expectation to privacy. To put it another way, the law assumes that if the person intended that which was "in plain view" to be kept private, then he or she would not have placed it in a position where it could be easily viewed by anyone.
Within the context of the Fourteenth Amendment, a police stop is a seizure. If the seizure is reasonable, then it is permissible, otherwise it is a violation of a person's Fourteenth Amendment rights (also commonly termed an illegal search and seizure or prohibited search).
Officer, according to the US Constitution, you can NOT just walk up to 'anyone' and pat them down for weapons. You have to have a reasonable belief that the suspect(s) are armed. Since the whole thing was televised, I could plainly see that neither of these guys had anything in their pockets that bulged or looked like a weapon. From where he parked behind them (and they had the hood up so you couldn't immediately see them) there is no way that he could have reasonably suspected they had weapons on them. Also, notice above, the pat down is supposed to be done during an arrest. The officer was in no position to arrest any of them until he performed what he believed was a sobriety test and then SPEEDY ran.
Like I said before, I respect police officers. They are in dangerous situations every day.
What COPS taught me tonight was that if I put on some corn-rows, some baggy shorts, suave sneakers, showed the band of my underwear above my shorts, and wore sports apparel of any sort, I could be stopped for a "pedestrian check". I found the idea of me dressing like that hilarious. I went on to tell the gal that I live with that I would love to dress this way in Des Moines on University Avenue to see if I got stopped. Adding a backpack with a weight watchers scale inside would add to the humor. The officer could pat me down and find lint in my baggy shorts, and holes in my socks. Then he/she could check to see if I had recent dental work by making me lift my tongue, show them my lips and smile. Then, when asked if I had anything illegal on me, I could say "yeah I have a scale in my backpack". I wonder what they would do when they opened my backpack and saw that weight watchers scale? My alibi could be that I am overweight and the doctor told me to take long walks, and every so often I take out the scale and weigh myself to see if the doctor is right or full of it.
Anyone wanna take bets on what would happen?
I don't have anything but the utmost respect for police officers and safety officers who conduct themselves appropriately. They are heroes. They protect us and keep us safe.
So, let me get back to COPS (the show). I watch as this white police officer rolls up on these two black guys (and yeah they had what could be considered gang apparel on if you think that anyone who is a Yankees fan and wears baggy shorts and a cap is a gang member). The two guys are working on a car that is parked in the street. The officer tells the camera operator in the car that he's going to pull over and see if they "need any help". The officer gets out of the car and he walks up and asks them if there is something wrong with their car. First off, hello officer, they have their hands dirty with grease and one of them has a tool that appeared to look like pliers in his hand and is using it on the car. The guy working on the car says that he thinks there is a wire loose because it smells like smoke under the hood. He's still working on the car when the officer asks for their identification. So, they stop working on the car and take out their ID. The officer then goes back to his car and runs their names. No record - sorry officer. Oh but wait, he's not satisfied. He steps back out of his car and up to the two guys. He asks the guy working on the car if he'd had anything to drink. The guy admits that he had earlier in the day. The officer then decides he's going to pat the two men down for "weapons". The only possible weapon that these two obviously had was a pair of pliers. He digs at the first guy's pockets. Nothin'. Then he makes him go to the back of the car where he gives him a "sobriety test" that consisted of asking him a question. Then, not satisfied, he pulls out a pen and makes the guy watch the pen as he swirls it in big circles and then pushes it to his nose. From the position of the camera, it looked like the guy's eyes worked just fine to me. But ... the officer says that he thinks that the guy is under the influence of cannabis.
What?!?! I thought he was giving him a test to see if he'd been drinking. He knew that he had been. So let me get this right? A sobriety test also proves if you have smoked pot? I guess that's a possibility. The officer never said he could smell anything on the guy.
I'm giving the play by play to the gal that lives with me (she has a BS in Criminal Justice and has worked in security, been a prison guard, and worked as a private eye). She starts laughing.
Next, the officer moves to the other guy. He starts digging in his pockets and all of a sudden the guy takes off. The officer huffs and puffs, tries jumping a fence, and flips over onto his back. I'm thinking 'dang, that guy just busted his butt'. He looses the runner, so he goes back to the other guy and arrests him.
The helicopter is flying overhead and there is a perimeter of officers in cars all over the neighborhood. I find myself yelling "run!" to the bad guy as if he can hear me. I even yell at the runner to climb a tree and hide.
At this point, and yeah I might be a little misguided, I start rooting for the 'bad guy'. Not because I think people that have drugs or are committing crimes should get away with it, but because this officer was supposedly 'helping' these two guys with their car and it suddenly turned into a bust. He had no probable cause other than the fact that two black guys were working on a car. In my mind I am wondering, 'would he have truly helped them if it had been two clean-cut white guys?' He looks into the car windows to see if he can find anything before he ever asks the two guys if he can search the car. The car never gets searched because SPEEDY took off and left the officer in the dust! Literally.
The officer goes to a neighboring house and asks if they have any sheds out behind their house. They did. So the officer goes back there. You never see anything on the camera (obvious edit job) of the officer looking around. All of a sudden from the television comes him screaming at the runner and cuffing him. He then literally pulled him out from under a shed, through some weeds, and into the yard. (Cut) Yeah, I mean cut. The camera man doesn't show anymore until the officer and the runner are in the street walking.
It turns out that SPEEDY had a small bag of pot on him. Now he's not only in trouble for running but also for pot.
The first guy then asks the officer a VERY good and rational question. He wants to know what gave the officer the right to just walk up to them the way that he did and start "lookin' for stuff". The officer then states that he has the right to walk up to anyone and check them for weapons.
Ok ... so he really wanted to check them for weapons?
1. Why did he not pat them down right away then?
2. Why did he tell the camera operator he was going to see if they needed help with their car?
According to the 4th Amendment the US Constitution prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures by federal law enforcement agents. The Fourteenth (14th) Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America imposes the 4th Amendment upon the states and to law enforcement agents within the states. Unreasonable searches and seizures are prohibited; reasonable searches are not prohibited. The 14th Amendment rights to privacy do not extend into every aspect of a person's private affairs.
If the violation of a person's expectation to privacy is reasonable, then the search is permissible. A reasonable search can occur with explicit consent or implicit consent. If a person is asked if they may be searched and that person then responds affirmatively, consent has been given to the search. That type of search would be a search by explicit permission - that type of search is reasonable. By giving consent, the searched person no longer has a reasonable expectation to any privacy.
If contraband, paraphernalia, a weapon, or some other piece of evidence or if criminal activity is "in plain view", an exception to consent arises under the law. That type of voluntary exposure allows the police to view the article without a search. Since a search is not needed to view something "in plain view", then there is no violation of a person's reasonable expectation to privacy. To put it another way, the law assumes that if the person intended that which was "in plain view" to be kept private, then he or she would not have placed it in a position where it could be easily viewed by anyone.
Within the context of the Fourteenth Amendment, a police stop is a seizure. If the seizure is reasonable, then it is permissible, otherwise it is a violation of a person's Fourteenth Amendment rights (also commonly termed an illegal search and seizure or prohibited search).
Reasonable Seizure
If a police officer observes criminal activity, or activity which would lead a reasonable person to conclude that it was of a criminal nature, or if an informant provides sound and verified information to the police officer about a criminal activity, then a subsequent seizure is reasonable and permissible. If at the time of a stop, a police officer sees or has a reasonable belief that the suspect is armed, the officer may "pat down" the suspect and seize any weapons that could cause harm to the officer or another person during an arrest.Officer, according to the US Constitution, you can NOT just walk up to 'anyone' and pat them down for weapons. You have to have a reasonable belief that the suspect(s) are armed. Since the whole thing was televised, I could plainly see that neither of these guys had anything in their pockets that bulged or looked like a weapon. From where he parked behind them (and they had the hood up so you couldn't immediately see them) there is no way that he could have reasonably suspected they had weapons on them. Also, notice above, the pat down is supposed to be done during an arrest. The officer was in no position to arrest any of them until he performed what he believed was a sobriety test and then SPEEDY ran.
Like I said before, I respect police officers. They are in dangerous situations every day.
What COPS taught me tonight was that if I put on some corn-rows, some baggy shorts, suave sneakers, showed the band of my underwear above my shorts, and wore sports apparel of any sort, I could be stopped for a "pedestrian check". I found the idea of me dressing like that hilarious. I went on to tell the gal that I live with that I would love to dress this way in Des Moines on University Avenue to see if I got stopped. Adding a backpack with a weight watchers scale inside would add to the humor. The officer could pat me down and find lint in my baggy shorts, and holes in my socks. Then he/she could check to see if I had recent dental work by making me lift my tongue, show them my lips and smile. Then, when asked if I had anything illegal on me, I could say "yeah I have a scale in my backpack". I wonder what they would do when they opened my backpack and saw that weight watchers scale? My alibi could be that I am overweight and the doctor told me to take long walks, and every so often I take out the scale and weigh myself to see if the doctor is right or full of it.
Anyone wanna take bets on what would happen?
Comments
Even these patrol officers have more power than we do as individuals but this is absolutely stupid. No disrespect intended but do they also have to meet a quota ..Seems pretty unrealistic to me. Plus the fact, that I am sure there is more going on in the illegal aspects besides just drug busts & Domestic Abuse but that is all you ever seen- makes you wonder, huh?
Makes you wonder where do we draw the line? Just who was this officer serving or protecting? I have heard them on the scanner saying "make your own case" when pulling a car over (for example)for having no license plate light. I realize this is a violation of the law, but really, "make your own case", where is the constition in that?
Not "Crime Stories" but "Poop Stories"
I love the Discovery Network and CrimeTV. They illustrate the ever-declining gene pool in the world. Humanity that is. Mostly the animals on these shows are declining but because of the decline of the human gene pool. Point made.
So, what are "Poop Stories"?
They are the never-ending consequence of a septic system that does not want to cooperate!
Last week around midnight on a night I cannot remember (the date, not the scenario), the toilet decided it was going to turn into a fountain. If it had been in a park, people would have thrown coins into it. Since it was in my house, I wasn't throwing anything at it but a few curses and a plunger, frantically! I yelled to D (yeah, that girl that lives with me) that I needed help. She was half asleep, and she had just used the toilet and it worked just fine. I go in and use it and the dang thing decides to throw up.
Water is flooding the bathroom and quickly moving towards the next room. I open the cupboard and start throwing towels on the floor in between plunging sessions. She comes to the bathroom door and then tells me she's having a panic attack! Hon, I was having a panic attack too. Especially when I saw a bunch of water start backing up into the shower too! The sink is gurgling and I am plunging to beat the band.
I know, I am not writing correctly ... I keep changing between third person and first person, but let me tell you ... I could care less!
I move to the shower drain and begin plunging it. To my amazement, the water in the toilet starts going down. D is yelling "shut off the water to the toilet", so I bend clear over (dangerously close to being doused with water from the bowl) and look at the water pipe. The genius who put in the toilet DID NOT put in a stop valve. There is no way to keep the water from continuing to run! Now my panic attack is way beyond panic - it is full blown terror.
I run to the bedroom and start moving a couple dozen things that are over the trap door that opens into the small basement and crawl space. It is dark down there, and if you've read my post above about BIG BOOGER, you know that my mind was trying to process waterfalls versus rapid rodent attack. D hands me a tiny MagLite and I run down the stairs. BIG BOOGER be damned, I am going to turn off that water. I shine the light down the tunnel/crawl space where the pipes are located (to avoid teeth that come flying out of the damp darkness) and turn every stop valve I can locate. Apparently BIG BOOGER was not in the crawl space because I made it back upstairs without serious injury. I ran back to the bathroom.
I want you to put this visual into your mind (or mind's eye, whatever works for you). I was ready for bed so I was wearing a pair of boxers, a tshirt, and because of the water, my winter boots. That's it.
I pull the lid off of the toilet and start trying to adjust the water valve, pull out the guts, and the water stops. Thank goodness for stop valves in the basement, huh? But the problem is still not solved. Now there is no water anywhere in the house. Not even to the garden hose outside.
I look at D and tell her to get some garbage bags. She gets one and I start putting the wet towels into the bag and then into a bucket. Well, I couldn't put them in the washing machine! It runs on water too, ya know?!?!
I hurry back to the bathroom and start plunging the shower again. I can get some of the water to go down, but it smells like a giant sewer rat has spawned little sewer rats that pooped in the drain. The smell is horrific! I tell D to turn on the fan and pray that the air gets vented outside before I pass out. I realize, after a few minutes of plunging, that there must be a clog because the water would slowly retreat into the drain. It took about an hour to drain a little more than an inch of nasty water.
It's now well past midnight and all I want to do is go to bed. My hands are covered with dirty sewer water, and I can't wash them because there is no water in the house. I grab the bottle of Germ-X and scrub as hard as I can several times hoping that if the stuff can kill the Swine Flu it can kill anything that happens to be on my hands.
D owns a "camping potty" that she used to have to carry around in her surveillance SUV when she was working as a private eye. She locates it, and we clean it up with some bleach, and stick it in the bathroom. This, we hope, is going to be a temporary fix to our toilet issue. At least we can relieve ourselves without having to run outdoors into the backyard and tree line to do so. (Neighbors, if you are reading this, do not assume that just because I am outside I am relieving myself).
The next day my cousin comes over to finish mowing the lawn. I talk him into helping me with the toilet instead. A plumber is going to be way expensive and no one has any money. He tells me what 'guts' we need to repair on the toilet to get it to flush correctly. Off we go to Menard's (the home depot for the monetarily impaired). We find the stuff we need and head back to the house. After reading the instructions, we realize that we are going to have to completely remove the tank from the bowl of the toilet. We stand there looking at each other for a minute, and then he figures out that we need tools. Luckily he had some, but not really what we needed. I offer a flat-head screwdriver and a hammer and he brings in a wrench.
Notice: If you need to repair your toilet make sure you have pipe wrenches, channel locks, and the ability to use your arms and back for long periods of time as you hold up the ultra-heavy porcelain toilet tank and/or crawl underneath the toilet to undo bolts and nuts that have been on the toilet since the day it was installed (circa 1950).
We quickly discover that we do not have the necessary tools, but we think as humans that we can use what we have to make it work. Ha! We spent over two hours just trying to get a plastic part of the flush assembly off of the bottom of the tank. My cousin was using a hammer and the screwdriver as a chisel while I held onto the top part of the assembly with channel locks that were too small to use on the bottom. After we'd struggled for hours, I felt like my spine had been lit on fire and THEN blown up with dynamite! I had several blisters, bruises, and I felt like I needed a bath (which I did, but couldn't because there was no water). Ah! Now you're beginning to understand.
I call my Dad at work and tell him the situation. He's had a terrible day at work and my toilet episode does not make him feel much better by the way he's talking to me on the phone. He wasn't mad. It was more like 'what else can happen to you that hasn't already scarred you for life'. Yes, I have bad luck. I might have Irish blood in me, but I think the only gene that was passed on in that deal was a penchant to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I can't even grow potatoes. Ok...back to my Dad. He says that he can run home and eat dinner after work, and then come to our house and help me with the toilet. I thank him and hang up.
In the meantime, I am trying to get myself seated onto the 'camping potty' for some 'relief'. This potty is about 32 inches in height. Imagine trying to lower yourself down onto it without falling off of it. Well, I slid and crushed D's lighthouse garbage can. It was plastic, but still. Talk about hurting your ego. I crushed a waste basket! D starts telling me that she is having trouble too because her back is a mess from a car accident in 2007 and because she's supposed to have her right knee totally replaced. This potty is so short that it should have been advertised as a potty chair for children - not intended for adult use.
Dad comes and we take the toilet apart. It takes us well over an hour, even though he has the correct tools. I tease him that girls are good for some things as I squirm around and beneath the toilet bowl so that I can undo and do the bolts and nuts that hold the tank to the bowl. He kids me back by saying that guys are good for some things because he was able to get his 6 foot frame under there as well, and he was stronger, so he tightened up things to where they actually needed to be. So much for trying to reinforce girl power, eh?
The time came for me to go back down through the trap door (kind of like Alice in the rabbit hole) not knowing what to expect when I throw that door open. Luckily nothing but cold, musty air greets me. This time I go down there without a flashlight. Daring, huh? Once again I have my winter boots on. I trudge over to the water pipes and slowly turn the water back on. Then I heard my dad say 'stop, stop!'. I quickly cranked it back to the off position. I ran, tumbled, ran back up the stairs (which in all reality are more like a ladder than true stairs). Dad was red-faced and trying to tighten the seal on the water pipe that went up into the tank. I just knew it was going to leak. He cranks and cranks on it, and then he tells me to go turn the water back on. So down I go once again. I turn the stop valve to open and I hear gurgling through the pipes. I yell through the floor to my Dad to see if it is leaking. He tells me, thankfully, that it isn't. AHHHHHH! Water in the house again!
I go up the stairs once more, shut the trap door, move the crap that was covering it back, and then head for the bathroom. The toilet with all its new guts is filling up. It stops at an appropriate level, and then my Dad pushed the handle to flush it. Down went the water and wallah, it worked. I smile and half-celebrate. I said, 'let's try it once more'. Famous last words.
The water in the tank filled again to an appropriate level and it was my turn to push the handle. I gripped it firmly with resolve that I had been party to the best re-invention in mankind's history and whoosh! Down went the water. And then up came the water! The toilet bowl started filling up fast and I grabbed the plunger from its location in the shower and began plunging again. My Dad stood there perplexed. As soon as the water was low enough in the toilet we moved over to the shower, where yet again water was back-flowing. I plunge it to death with little result other than to splash myself with dirty water. Then my Dad decides he's going to push the plunger down and then rapidly pull it up in one thrust. He says he thinks the pressure will unclog the drain. He does it a couple more times with little success before I grab the plunger and say that my way is better. I start pumping the plunger up and down about a hundred times trying to get that sucking sound I know means that the drain is clear. I pull the plunger up and off of the drain, and the water goes down, then up, then down, and then up again. My Dad is completely unsure of what to do next. I assure him that we'll be ok until we can get Roto-Rooter or a plumber to the house, and he agrees that he'll pay for it.
The water in the shower went down before the next morning. D and I were both afraid to get into it to bathe, however, because; 1. we weren't sure what would come up the drain and 2. we were afraid of what would come up the drain. We opted to use the sink to get clean.
Now we are going on over a week without a toilet. We're using the potty. It becomes clear that the potty is actually just a plastic bucket with a handle inside a plastic jug that has a plastic toilet lid on it and a plastic lid that completely covers it to hide the sight and the smell. The bucket (or inside) of the potty is almost full. I put on my boots and try to decide where I am going to dump the thing. I opt for the wood pile out in the back by the treeline. The bucket is heavy! I get to the dump location and fling out the contents. Just some liquid and toilet paper, no big deal, right? The next day D informs me that the potty needs to be dumped again. Again, I take it out to the wood pile. I use the hose and clean the thing out, then dump some bleach in there, wash the lid, etc. with bleach and a towel, and all is good again. The problem: the second time I dumped the potty there wasn't just t.p. and liquid inside it. I didn't really pay too much attention when I dumped it but when I came inside and told D where I dumped the potty, she tells me that it should smell really great when we burn the wood pile. I want to smack my forehead 'duh".
These are the days of the Poop Stories. Makes you kind of wish that you could go back and build that outhouse again doesn't it?
So, what are "Poop Stories"?
They are the never-ending consequence of a septic system that does not want to cooperate!
Last week around midnight on a night I cannot remember (the date, not the scenario), the toilet decided it was going to turn into a fountain. If it had been in a park, people would have thrown coins into it. Since it was in my house, I wasn't throwing anything at it but a few curses and a plunger, frantically! I yelled to D (yeah, that girl that lives with me) that I needed help. She was half asleep, and she had just used the toilet and it worked just fine. I go in and use it and the dang thing decides to throw up.
Water is flooding the bathroom and quickly moving towards the next room. I open the cupboard and start throwing towels on the floor in between plunging sessions. She comes to the bathroom door and then tells me she's having a panic attack! Hon, I was having a panic attack too. Especially when I saw a bunch of water start backing up into the shower too! The sink is gurgling and I am plunging to beat the band.
I know, I am not writing correctly ... I keep changing between third person and first person, but let me tell you ... I could care less!
I move to the shower drain and begin plunging it. To my amazement, the water in the toilet starts going down. D is yelling "shut off the water to the toilet", so I bend clear over (dangerously close to being doused with water from the bowl) and look at the water pipe. The genius who put in the toilet DID NOT put in a stop valve. There is no way to keep the water from continuing to run! Now my panic attack is way beyond panic - it is full blown terror.
I run to the bedroom and start moving a couple dozen things that are over the trap door that opens into the small basement and crawl space. It is dark down there, and if you've read my post above about BIG BOOGER, you know that my mind was trying to process waterfalls versus rapid rodent attack. D hands me a tiny MagLite and I run down the stairs. BIG BOOGER be damned, I am going to turn off that water. I shine the light down the tunnel/crawl space where the pipes are located (to avoid teeth that come flying out of the damp darkness) and turn every stop valve I can locate. Apparently BIG BOOGER was not in the crawl space because I made it back upstairs without serious injury. I ran back to the bathroom.
I want you to put this visual into your mind (or mind's eye, whatever works for you). I was ready for bed so I was wearing a pair of boxers, a tshirt, and because of the water, my winter boots. That's it.
I pull the lid off of the toilet and start trying to adjust the water valve, pull out the guts, and the water stops. Thank goodness for stop valves in the basement, huh? But the problem is still not solved. Now there is no water anywhere in the house. Not even to the garden hose outside.
I look at D and tell her to get some garbage bags. She gets one and I start putting the wet towels into the bag and then into a bucket. Well, I couldn't put them in the washing machine! It runs on water too, ya know?!?!
I hurry back to the bathroom and start plunging the shower again. I can get some of the water to go down, but it smells like a giant sewer rat has spawned little sewer rats that pooped in the drain. The smell is horrific! I tell D to turn on the fan and pray that the air gets vented outside before I pass out. I realize, after a few minutes of plunging, that there must be a clog because the water would slowly retreat into the drain. It took about an hour to drain a little more than an inch of nasty water.
It's now well past midnight and all I want to do is go to bed. My hands are covered with dirty sewer water, and I can't wash them because there is no water in the house. I grab the bottle of Germ-X and scrub as hard as I can several times hoping that if the stuff can kill the Swine Flu it can kill anything that happens to be on my hands.
D owns a "camping potty" that she used to have to carry around in her surveillance SUV when she was working as a private eye. She locates it, and we clean it up with some bleach, and stick it in the bathroom. This, we hope, is going to be a temporary fix to our toilet issue. At least we can relieve ourselves without having to run outdoors into the backyard and tree line to do so. (Neighbors, if you are reading this, do not assume that just because I am outside I am relieving myself).
The next day my cousin comes over to finish mowing the lawn. I talk him into helping me with the toilet instead. A plumber is going to be way expensive and no one has any money. He tells me what 'guts' we need to repair on the toilet to get it to flush correctly. Off we go to Menard's (the home depot for the monetarily impaired). We find the stuff we need and head back to the house. After reading the instructions, we realize that we are going to have to completely remove the tank from the bowl of the toilet. We stand there looking at each other for a minute, and then he figures out that we need tools. Luckily he had some, but not really what we needed. I offer a flat-head screwdriver and a hammer and he brings in a wrench.
Notice: If you need to repair your toilet make sure you have pipe wrenches, channel locks, and the ability to use your arms and back for long periods of time as you hold up the ultra-heavy porcelain toilet tank and/or crawl underneath the toilet to undo bolts and nuts that have been on the toilet since the day it was installed (circa 1950).
We quickly discover that we do not have the necessary tools, but we think as humans that we can use what we have to make it work. Ha! We spent over two hours just trying to get a plastic part of the flush assembly off of the bottom of the tank. My cousin was using a hammer and the screwdriver as a chisel while I held onto the top part of the assembly with channel locks that were too small to use on the bottom. After we'd struggled for hours, I felt like my spine had been lit on fire and THEN blown up with dynamite! I had several blisters, bruises, and I felt like I needed a bath (which I did, but couldn't because there was no water). Ah! Now you're beginning to understand.
I call my Dad at work and tell him the situation. He's had a terrible day at work and my toilet episode does not make him feel much better by the way he's talking to me on the phone. He wasn't mad. It was more like 'what else can happen to you that hasn't already scarred you for life'. Yes, I have bad luck. I might have Irish blood in me, but I think the only gene that was passed on in that deal was a penchant to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I can't even grow potatoes. Ok...back to my Dad. He says that he can run home and eat dinner after work, and then come to our house and help me with the toilet. I thank him and hang up.
In the meantime, I am trying to get myself seated onto the 'camping potty' for some 'relief'. This potty is about 32 inches in height. Imagine trying to lower yourself down onto it without falling off of it. Well, I slid and crushed D's lighthouse garbage can. It was plastic, but still. Talk about hurting your ego. I crushed a waste basket! D starts telling me that she is having trouble too because her back is a mess from a car accident in 2007 and because she's supposed to have her right knee totally replaced. This potty is so short that it should have been advertised as a potty chair for children - not intended for adult use.
Dad comes and we take the toilet apart. It takes us well over an hour, even though he has the correct tools. I tease him that girls are good for some things as I squirm around and beneath the toilet bowl so that I can undo and do the bolts and nuts that hold the tank to the bowl. He kids me back by saying that guys are good for some things because he was able to get his 6 foot frame under there as well, and he was stronger, so he tightened up things to where they actually needed to be. So much for trying to reinforce girl power, eh?
The time came for me to go back down through the trap door (kind of like Alice in the rabbit hole) not knowing what to expect when I throw that door open. Luckily nothing but cold, musty air greets me. This time I go down there without a flashlight. Daring, huh? Once again I have my winter boots on. I trudge over to the water pipes and slowly turn the water back on. Then I heard my dad say 'stop, stop!'. I quickly cranked it back to the off position. I ran, tumbled, ran back up the stairs (which in all reality are more like a ladder than true stairs). Dad was red-faced and trying to tighten the seal on the water pipe that went up into the tank. I just knew it was going to leak. He cranks and cranks on it, and then he tells me to go turn the water back on. So down I go once again. I turn the stop valve to open and I hear gurgling through the pipes. I yell through the floor to my Dad to see if it is leaking. He tells me, thankfully, that it isn't. AHHHHHH! Water in the house again!
I go up the stairs once more, shut the trap door, move the crap that was covering it back, and then head for the bathroom. The toilet with all its new guts is filling up. It stops at an appropriate level, and then my Dad pushed the handle to flush it. Down went the water and wallah, it worked. I smile and half-celebrate. I said, 'let's try it once more'. Famous last words.
The water in the tank filled again to an appropriate level and it was my turn to push the handle. I gripped it firmly with resolve that I had been party to the best re-invention in mankind's history and whoosh! Down went the water. And then up came the water! The toilet bowl started filling up fast and I grabbed the plunger from its location in the shower and began plunging again. My Dad stood there perplexed. As soon as the water was low enough in the toilet we moved over to the shower, where yet again water was back-flowing. I plunge it to death with little result other than to splash myself with dirty water. Then my Dad decides he's going to push the plunger down and then rapidly pull it up in one thrust. He says he thinks the pressure will unclog the drain. He does it a couple more times with little success before I grab the plunger and say that my way is better. I start pumping the plunger up and down about a hundred times trying to get that sucking sound I know means that the drain is clear. I pull the plunger up and off of the drain, and the water goes down, then up, then down, and then up again. My Dad is completely unsure of what to do next. I assure him that we'll be ok until we can get Roto-Rooter or a plumber to the house, and he agrees that he'll pay for it.
The water in the shower went down before the next morning. D and I were both afraid to get into it to bathe, however, because; 1. we weren't sure what would come up the drain and 2. we were afraid of what would come up the drain. We opted to use the sink to get clean.
Now we are going on over a week without a toilet. We're using the potty. It becomes clear that the potty is actually just a plastic bucket with a handle inside a plastic jug that has a plastic toilet lid on it and a plastic lid that completely covers it to hide the sight and the smell. The bucket (or inside) of the potty is almost full. I put on my boots and try to decide where I am going to dump the thing. I opt for the wood pile out in the back by the treeline. The bucket is heavy! I get to the dump location and fling out the contents. Just some liquid and toilet paper, no big deal, right? The next day D informs me that the potty needs to be dumped again. Again, I take it out to the wood pile. I use the hose and clean the thing out, then dump some bleach in there, wash the lid, etc. with bleach and a towel, and all is good again. The problem: the second time I dumped the potty there wasn't just t.p. and liquid inside it. I didn't really pay too much attention when I dumped it but when I came inside and told D where I dumped the potty, she tells me that it should smell really great when we burn the wood pile. I want to smack my forehead 'duh".
These are the days of the Poop Stories. Makes you kind of wish that you could go back and build that outhouse again doesn't it?
Comments
The best part of your writing, as always, for me is that you make it so easy for me to visualize the entire event. Such an amazing talent to have, my friend!
I could relate to this. Seriously! I once had to go out and use the toilet in my camper due to a similar issue.
The Experiment at Walmart
I warned you that you were about to laugh...well...hang on.
I was sitting around scheming (as I often do) because we all know how much I love Walmart. As a principle, Walmart frustrates me. In the local Walmart they have decided (in the best interest of its customers of course) to dismantle the entire store and move everything around. This means, quite frankly, that you can't find a danged thing. (I wanted to cuss right then, but what would be the point?) My scheming usually happens late at night, and often it leads me into sleep...where I often start laughing in my sleep. Sometimes it is a giggle (according to Denise) and other times it is a full belly laugh. Amazing how it never wakes me up!
This particular scheme was drafted by something my uncle Ron did to me a few years ago. He had one of those portable "fart" machines. It was a family picnic, and he decided to hide it under my spot at the picnic table. I was sitting right next to my grandma at the time - who in her life was very unhappy when anyone made a noise that was related to a bodily function. Especially at the dinner table. (Ask my mom and her sister). Anyway, I sat down and started to eat. The next thing I know I hear a ripping fart noise. I look up at the people at the table, and no one looked embarrassed. So I go back to eating, figuring it was just a slip and no one was going to cop to it. I was taking a bite of my hamburger when I heard an even LOUDER rip! I immediately looked up and everyone at the table had stopped eating and were looking at me. I said, "I didn't do it." My grandma looked like she was getting really ticked off. I put my head down and started eating again. A few seconds later a really juicy one zinged the air. This time my grandma did get mad. She asked who was passing gas. Everyone shook their head that it wasn't them. Again, we remained talking and eating and the grossest one yet rattled the air. This time my grandma turned and looked at me and told me that she knew it was me and that I should knock it off or leave the table. I knew my face was red. Grandma hardly ever got upset, and I was shocked that she thought it was me. As another round went off, I started noticing people smiling around the table. I stood up and said, "Ok, what's up?!" This sent everyone into a fit of laughter. My uncle had been remotely operating the thing and waiting until just the right minute to push the button. Even my grandma was lauging, and that was when I realized that I had been set up.
I was sitting around scheming (as I often do) because we all know how much I love Walmart. As a principle, Walmart frustrates me. In the local Walmart they have decided (in the best interest of its customers of course) to dismantle the entire store and move everything around. This means, quite frankly, that you can't find a danged thing. (I wanted to cuss right then, but what would be the point?) My scheming usually happens late at night, and often it leads me into sleep...where I often start laughing in my sleep. Sometimes it is a giggle (according to Denise) and other times it is a full belly laugh. Amazing how it never wakes me up!
This particular scheme was drafted by something my uncle Ron did to me a few years ago. He had one of those portable "fart" machines. It was a family picnic, and he decided to hide it under my spot at the picnic table. I was sitting right next to my grandma at the time - who in her life was very unhappy when anyone made a noise that was related to a bodily function. Especially at the dinner table. (Ask my mom and her sister). Anyway, I sat down and started to eat. The next thing I know I hear a ripping fart noise. I look up at the people at the table, and no one looked embarrassed. So I go back to eating, figuring it was just a slip and no one was going to cop to it. I was taking a bite of my hamburger when I heard an even LOUDER rip! I immediately looked up and everyone at the table had stopped eating and were looking at me. I said, "I didn't do it." My grandma looked like she was getting really ticked off. I put my head down and started eating again. A few seconds later a really juicy one zinged the air. This time my grandma did get mad. She asked who was passing gas. Everyone shook their head that it wasn't them. Again, we remained talking and eating and the grossest one yet rattled the air. This time my grandma turned and looked at me and told me that she knew it was me and that I should knock it off or leave the table. I knew my face was red. Grandma hardly ever got upset, and I was shocked that she thought it was me. As another round went off, I started noticing people smiling around the table. I stood up and said, "Ok, what's up?!" This sent everyone into a fit of laughter. My uncle had been remotely operating the thing and waiting until just the right minute to push the button. Even my grandma was lauging, and that was when I realized that I had been set up.
The lady at Walmart
She's checking her purse
Experiment at Walmart Part Deuce
Analyzing what had been done to me, I came up with what I thought would be a hilarious prank at Walmart. See the lady above...I believe she might be looking in her purse for the farting noise that occurred somewhere near her...
Denise on her scooter
Not the scooter store, it's Walmart.
Experiment at Walmart Part Thrice
Denise can't walk around Walmart. Half the time neither can I. My knee seems to want to hyper-extend after a nasty hockey injury a few years ago (while playing Goalie), and I can barely hobble around. So, yes, sometimes I ride a cart and race Denise through the store like we're on a scavenger hunt.
My plan was this...
I would secretly apply the "fart machine" to the underside of Denise's motorized shopping cart, and then remotely activate it at very inopportune times.
In the photo above she is at the Pharmacy. She the lady in blue partially hidden by the wall (on the right silly). She appears to be talking to Denise, right? I took the photo, so obviously I am relatively close. It was the perfect opportunity. If I just planned for a pause in the conversation and pushed the button, then it would appear that the handi-capable Denise (complete with blue cane) would erupt. Would Denise think it was the lady behind the counter? Would the lady behind the counter believe it was Denise? The anticipation was great!
My plan was this...
I would secretly apply the "fart machine" to the underside of Denise's motorized shopping cart, and then remotely activate it at very inopportune times.
In the photo above she is at the Pharmacy. She the lady in blue partially hidden by the wall (on the right silly). She appears to be talking to Denise, right? I took the photo, so obviously I am relatively close. It was the perfect opportunity. If I just planned for a pause in the conversation and pushed the button, then it would appear that the handi-capable Denise (complete with blue cane) would erupt. Would Denise think it was the lady behind the counter? Would the lady behind the counter believe it was Denise? The anticipation was great!
The end of the Experiment at Walmart
To tell you the truth, nothing happened. Why? Because it had only been a plan. I hadn't yet gotten my hands on such a machine. A missed opportunity for sure.
Now...a different day I did go back to Walmart. My plan/experiment was still in place. I was alone, however, so being sneaky and getting away with things was going to be all on me. If I didn't pull off my plan just right everyone would know it was me. And I didn't want that to happen.
Now, let's move to another key point about my visiting Walmart. It never fails, but if I go to Walmart and walk around - I always have to go to the restroom. Always! It doesn't matter if I had just eaten (which does cause the visit to the restroom to happen more often), or if I haven't had a thing all day. My GI tract is somehow linked to the automatic flushers on the back of the toilet stools. Denise thinks this is hilarious. I do not. The restrooms in the local Walmart are only open in the front of the store right now, which means if you gotta go gotta go gotta go right now, you have to make an appearance before everyone at a checkout counter, the customer service reps, past the customer service desk, by the kid at the drinking fountain, past the ATM, etc. All while sweating it out whether you will actually make it in time before your body rebels against you and you have to finish your shopping around Walmart in dirty underwear/pants. That would really be embarrassing if you suddenly left the restroom and ran over to where the Depends are located, stripped open the packaging, pulled down your pants, and slipped one on!
So, here I am in Walmart, by myself, with plan fully activated. I decide to follow Denise's list (ie. map). I walk out into the garden section to look for tomato plants and other things that we want to put into our garden for the summer (which appears to only going to last for three months). I accidentally ram my cart into a patio set just as a young man's voice says, "Can I help you?" right behind me. He startles me and obviously he startled my sphincter too because out popped a real fart. I walked a few more steps, turned around, and said, "Just looking, thanks." I saw him hurry off. I chuckled to myself and continued shopping. Now, if you are going to pass wind, the garden section is a good place to do it. Why? Because it is mostly outdoors (in a giant cage), and the air quality is better because of all the plants (see environmentalism) and the smells of fertilizers (see environmental hazards).
Finished with the garden items, I walked back into the store and headed for the area where the DVDs and electronics are. For some reason, this is centrally located in the store. I believe it is because when you are bending over to look at video games, cell phone cases, DVDs, CDs, computer equipment and such, a little wind sometimes escapes from people. The section is centrally located in order to be half way between the restrooms in the front of the store and the ones that until lately are located in the rear (no pun intended) of the store. As I was checking out a cord that we needed for the computer, I see out of my peripheral vision to the right that a large man who was previously browsing multiple items has suddenly (and I mean practically running) exited the area. I think nothing of it until the smell hits me. It was like a chili dog with hard boiled eggs added. Disgusting. I wished I was closer to the restroom so that I could go throw up. I left the aisle and went down another, and there was the same man! I thought, "I am not going near him." So I went back to the aisle I had just left. People walked into the aisle the same time I did, but from the other end. All of a sudden the lady pinched her nose and whispered something, and the guy looked up at me. They turned around and left. I thought, "Surely that smell can't still be here." But I left the aisle anyway. I saw the same couple in another aisle and decided, when they looked at me funny, that I would just go to a different department.
Needless to say, I ended up having to hurry to the front of the store from the very back of the store to use the restroom, and then finish shopping. I never did have the machine with the remote...but when I go back to Walmart, I am going to finish what I started.
Now...a different day I did go back to Walmart. My plan/experiment was still in place. I was alone, however, so being sneaky and getting away with things was going to be all on me. If I didn't pull off my plan just right everyone would know it was me. And I didn't want that to happen.
Now, let's move to another key point about my visiting Walmart. It never fails, but if I go to Walmart and walk around - I always have to go to the restroom. Always! It doesn't matter if I had just eaten (which does cause the visit to the restroom to happen more often), or if I haven't had a thing all day. My GI tract is somehow linked to the automatic flushers on the back of the toilet stools. Denise thinks this is hilarious. I do not. The restrooms in the local Walmart are only open in the front of the store right now, which means if you gotta go gotta go gotta go right now, you have to make an appearance before everyone at a checkout counter, the customer service reps, past the customer service desk, by the kid at the drinking fountain, past the ATM, etc. All while sweating it out whether you will actually make it in time before your body rebels against you and you have to finish your shopping around Walmart in dirty underwear/pants. That would really be embarrassing if you suddenly left the restroom and ran over to where the Depends are located, stripped open the packaging, pulled down your pants, and slipped one on!
So, here I am in Walmart, by myself, with plan fully activated. I decide to follow Denise's list (ie. map). I walk out into the garden section to look for tomato plants and other things that we want to put into our garden for the summer (which appears to only going to last for three months). I accidentally ram my cart into a patio set just as a young man's voice says, "Can I help you?" right behind me. He startles me and obviously he startled my sphincter too because out popped a real fart. I walked a few more steps, turned around, and said, "Just looking, thanks." I saw him hurry off. I chuckled to myself and continued shopping. Now, if you are going to pass wind, the garden section is a good place to do it. Why? Because it is mostly outdoors (in a giant cage), and the air quality is better because of all the plants (see environmentalism) and the smells of fertilizers (see environmental hazards).
Finished with the garden items, I walked back into the store and headed for the area where the DVDs and electronics are. For some reason, this is centrally located in the store. I believe it is because when you are bending over to look at video games, cell phone cases, DVDs, CDs, computer equipment and such, a little wind sometimes escapes from people. The section is centrally located in order to be half way between the restrooms in the front of the store and the ones that until lately are located in the rear (no pun intended) of the store. As I was checking out a cord that we needed for the computer, I see out of my peripheral vision to the right that a large man who was previously browsing multiple items has suddenly (and I mean practically running) exited the area. I think nothing of it until the smell hits me. It was like a chili dog with hard boiled eggs added. Disgusting. I wished I was closer to the restroom so that I could go throw up. I left the aisle and went down another, and there was the same man! I thought, "I am not going near him." So I went back to the aisle I had just left. People walked into the aisle the same time I did, but from the other end. All of a sudden the lady pinched her nose and whispered something, and the guy looked up at me. They turned around and left. I thought, "Surely that smell can't still be here." But I left the aisle anyway. I saw the same couple in another aisle and decided, when they looked at me funny, that I would just go to a different department.
Needless to say, I ended up having to hurry to the front of the store from the very back of the store to use the restroom, and then finish shopping. I never did have the machine with the remote...but when I go back to Walmart, I am going to finish what I started.
Cute Denise
Denise tries to embarrass me by scootering by with a horrid clutch purse. Where did you get that?!?! Oh yeah, Walmart. (Notice the tampax and always behind her)
Sales couldn't be any better
WOW! Take that People of Walmart! I can get as much shampoo as I want for $000.00 - cool!
What do you think about the Experiment at Walmart?
I live in Granger, Iowa, so when I saw this come up on Google I had to read it. I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants!!! Great job! Keep it coming.
Hilarious idea. I wish I had come up with it myself. Too bad you never did find that machine!
I didn't write it, but I wish I had
32 Truths for Mature Humans or immature...
1. I think part of a best friends' job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make great stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again ... and then again ...
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
1. I think part of a best friends' job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make great stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again ... and then again ...
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
My truths about life - and yes, I did write these!
1. No matter what, someone is going to tailgate you while you're driving. My solution is to just put the handicapped sticker up, wave it, and slow down to a crawl to irritate them to death. This works best if you wait until you are both in a no-passing zone.
2. Pay back for those who rush in and take a parking space you were waiting for - leave a note on their windshield when they go into the store that says "You accidentally hit my car with your door, please send me your insurance information so that I don't have to involve the police"... then leave the phone number to the police station.
3. Is it just me, or do not only high school kids get dumber & dumber every year, but so do most of my friends?
4. No matter what, your cell phone does not look like a radar gun to people you point it at when they go speeding by you.
5. If you want to avoid a speeding ticket when you see a police officer near you, put on your blinkers, pull over safely to the side of the road, and immediately get on your cell phone. Then if they come up to the car you can tell them that you didn't want to drive and talk on the phone at the same time "because safety in a vehicle is important officer."
6. Doing laundry at a laundromat is tempting, because you can get more loads done at the same time. Unfortunately, someone still has to fold it all.
7. It is one of my main purposes in life to make sure those idiots trying to get onto the interstate abide by the "yield" sign.
8. My idea of dry-cleaning is to stick the article of clothing on the clothes line outside and let the wind take care of it.
9. No matter how many times you use spell-checker on a document, it is going to suggest that you didn't spell something correctly, even though a third grader knows it's right.
10. Leaving the house looking like you just got out of bed lets people know how really exhausted you are, and people at Walmart will even offer you a cart to ride around the store.
11. When I get a call from someone I wouldn't want to hear from - ever - like a bill collector, I save their number as a contact on my phone and assign them a rude name so that I am reminded each time they call what a jerk they are.
12. I have Jimmy Johns on speed dial - even if I have to drive 15 minutes away to meet the delivery guy.
13. No matter how many times I am reminded that it doesn't exist - and never did - I swear there was a scene in Snow White where the dwarves stood around a glass casket crying!
14. I watch horror movies on purpose to remind myself that the creep across the street isn't as bad as he could be.
15. When someone I know is offensive, I anonymously mail them a bible verse with a postmark from another city just to kill them with kindness.
16. Whenever someone starts talking about religion, I stay quiet until they ask me my opinion, and then I say that I completely agree with the military being all voluntary.
17. Whenever someone starts talking about politics, I stay quiet until they ask me my opinion, and then I say that I completely believe in God.
18. When I am in a crowd of people and they are intentionally ignoring me, I spill my drink on the closest person and then make a completely fake apology.
19. Sometimes I walk around the house half dressed or naked just to show the neighbors that I can do whatever I want in my own house.
20. I believe that if your neighbor is a jerk, you should put your mail in their mailbox and see if they bring it over to you. If they don't then I go over and ask for it - putting them on the spot. If they do, then I treat them like they are the best neighbor ever - and again put them on the spot. Win/win situation if you ask me.
21. Recording your neighbors arguing should be your civic duty to keep up with neighborhood happenings. Besides, posting it anonymously on You Tube is hilarious.
22. It's annoying when your friend is a slobbering drunk, but when you are - you don't know it.
23. People who get turned on by porn are probably the same people who get turned on by playing Twister - just saying.
24. If you get invited to a lingerie party, wear lingerie to the party and play dumb.
25. When I don't want to take my pop cans back to have them redeemed, I just look for the nearest person who looks like he could use a couple bucks and hand him the bag.
26. After finding out that the garbage collection company sorts through my trash, I started adding dog poop, dirty kitty litter, and the bathroom waste basket items to anything that has my name on it.
27. You are never going to have an exact number of matching socks - so just give up trying to sort and pair them. It isn't going to happen!
28. Placing a sticker that says you're a member of the NRA on your car and house really keeps people from thinking about bothering your property - even if you aren't a member of the NRA.
29. While it is annoying for the neighbors to "share" their music with everyone living around them, I am a firm believer that playing my music louder will educate the public on what kind of music is best.
30. What IS the difference between a tele-marketer, collection agent, political activist, or anyone else that calls you uninvited? I hang up on all of them anyway.
31. Answering your phone in Spanish is a great way to confuse most people.
32. When I see someone driving a car while applying makeup or shaving, I make it a point to pull up right next to them and start frantically pointing at their tires to make them think there is something wrong. They drop the shaver and mascara pretty quick!
33. I think that all articles of clothing should come 'tagless', not just underwear. That way I never have to worry about looking like a complete dork when one is sticking out of my collar.
34. Anyone with breasts as big as or bigger than mine should be made to wear a bra, regardless of gender.
35. Why wear a clean pair of underwear to the doctor's office? I bet he/she isn't necessarily wearing a clean pair every day!
36. Using ironic statements in an annoying conversation always makes others shut up.
37. Is it just me, or are adults using their middle finger more often than usual? I mean, I saw someone using theirs to pick their nose just the other day!
38. If I want to pull my car right up to the door to unload my groceries, then I am going to do it, lawn care be damned.
39. Ring tones on cell phones are annoying, so you might as well put something from your era on yours so we can tell how old you are when we're in the store or out eating with you.
40. The government may be cracking down on people smoking and saying that cigarette butts are disgusting, but what about people who chew tobacco and spit on sidewalks?
2. Pay back for those who rush in and take a parking space you were waiting for - leave a note on their windshield when they go into the store that says "You accidentally hit my car with your door, please send me your insurance information so that I don't have to involve the police"... then leave the phone number to the police station.
3. Is it just me, or do not only high school kids get dumber & dumber every year, but so do most of my friends?
4. No matter what, your cell phone does not look like a radar gun to people you point it at when they go speeding by you.
5. If you want to avoid a speeding ticket when you see a police officer near you, put on your blinkers, pull over safely to the side of the road, and immediately get on your cell phone. Then if they come up to the car you can tell them that you didn't want to drive and talk on the phone at the same time "because safety in a vehicle is important officer."
6. Doing laundry at a laundromat is tempting, because you can get more loads done at the same time. Unfortunately, someone still has to fold it all.
7. It is one of my main purposes in life to make sure those idiots trying to get onto the interstate abide by the "yield" sign.
8. My idea of dry-cleaning is to stick the article of clothing on the clothes line outside and let the wind take care of it.
9. No matter how many times you use spell-checker on a document, it is going to suggest that you didn't spell something correctly, even though a third grader knows it's right.
10. Leaving the house looking like you just got out of bed lets people know how really exhausted you are, and people at Walmart will even offer you a cart to ride around the store.
11. When I get a call from someone I wouldn't want to hear from - ever - like a bill collector, I save their number as a contact on my phone and assign them a rude name so that I am reminded each time they call what a jerk they are.
12. I have Jimmy Johns on speed dial - even if I have to drive 15 minutes away to meet the delivery guy.
13. No matter how many times I am reminded that it doesn't exist - and never did - I swear there was a scene in Snow White where the dwarves stood around a glass casket crying!
14. I watch horror movies on purpose to remind myself that the creep across the street isn't as bad as he could be.
15. When someone I know is offensive, I anonymously mail them a bible verse with a postmark from another city just to kill them with kindness.
16. Whenever someone starts talking about religion, I stay quiet until they ask me my opinion, and then I say that I completely agree with the military being all voluntary.
17. Whenever someone starts talking about politics, I stay quiet until they ask me my opinion, and then I say that I completely believe in God.
18. When I am in a crowd of people and they are intentionally ignoring me, I spill my drink on the closest person and then make a completely fake apology.
19. Sometimes I walk around the house half dressed or naked just to show the neighbors that I can do whatever I want in my own house.
20. I believe that if your neighbor is a jerk, you should put your mail in their mailbox and see if they bring it over to you. If they don't then I go over and ask for it - putting them on the spot. If they do, then I treat them like they are the best neighbor ever - and again put them on the spot. Win/win situation if you ask me.
21. Recording your neighbors arguing should be your civic duty to keep up with neighborhood happenings. Besides, posting it anonymously on You Tube is hilarious.
22. It's annoying when your friend is a slobbering drunk, but when you are - you don't know it.
23. People who get turned on by porn are probably the same people who get turned on by playing Twister - just saying.
24. If you get invited to a lingerie party, wear lingerie to the party and play dumb.
25. When I don't want to take my pop cans back to have them redeemed, I just look for the nearest person who looks like he could use a couple bucks and hand him the bag.
26. After finding out that the garbage collection company sorts through my trash, I started adding dog poop, dirty kitty litter, and the bathroom waste basket items to anything that has my name on it.
27. You are never going to have an exact number of matching socks - so just give up trying to sort and pair them. It isn't going to happen!
28. Placing a sticker that says you're a member of the NRA on your car and house really keeps people from thinking about bothering your property - even if you aren't a member of the NRA.
29. While it is annoying for the neighbors to "share" their music with everyone living around them, I am a firm believer that playing my music louder will educate the public on what kind of music is best.
30. What IS the difference between a tele-marketer, collection agent, political activist, or anyone else that calls you uninvited? I hang up on all of them anyway.
31. Answering your phone in Spanish is a great way to confuse most people.
32. When I see someone driving a car while applying makeup or shaving, I make it a point to pull up right next to them and start frantically pointing at their tires to make them think there is something wrong. They drop the shaver and mascara pretty quick!
33. I think that all articles of clothing should come 'tagless', not just underwear. That way I never have to worry about looking like a complete dork when one is sticking out of my collar.
34. Anyone with breasts as big as or bigger than mine should be made to wear a bra, regardless of gender.
35. Why wear a clean pair of underwear to the doctor's office? I bet he/she isn't necessarily wearing a clean pair every day!
36. Using ironic statements in an annoying conversation always makes others shut up.
37. Is it just me, or are adults using their middle finger more often than usual? I mean, I saw someone using theirs to pick their nose just the other day!
38. If I want to pull my car right up to the door to unload my groceries, then I am going to do it, lawn care be damned.
39. Ring tones on cell phones are annoying, so you might as well put something from your era on yours so we can tell how old you are when we're in the store or out eating with you.
40. The government may be cracking down on people smoking and saying that cigarette butts are disgusting, but what about people who chew tobacco and spit on sidewalks?
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